Dear Queenie,
My husband hasn’t had sex with me for many years. He says it’s a physical problem but I have seen him getting excited while he watches porn on a computer so I know he’s lying.
He also claims not to be attracted to me anymore since we had children, but I know other men find me attractive because sometimes they hit on me at the store or the park, but I always turn them down. I have never been unfaithful to my husband no matter how bad he treats me.
I finally moved out of the house, but he told everyone, especially my family and our children and the pastor and members of our church that it was because I was having an affair and he could not live without me, so they all got after me to go back to him and threatened to not have anything to do with me anymore and to have me thrown out of the church congregation, so I moved back in.
I don’t want to ruin his reputation, I just want to get away from him.
Queenie, what can I do?—Abused wife
Dear Wife,
Your husband is counting on you not to defend yourself from his bullying and his lies. Stop worrying about saving his reputation and start thinking about protecting your own. Tell everyone the truth about your situation and ask for their help in dealing with your husband and his lies.
Get professional counselling for help in learning to deal with him, through your church or from someone your doctor recommends.
Dear Queenie,
My sister-in-law has a habit of making critical comments when she visits us. If she doesn’t like the food we serve she will say it tastes spoiled, or she will complain that the floor is sticky and needs to be washed.
Queenie, how do I deal with her without starting a fight?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
By being as sweet and pleasant to her as you can. However, if she complains about the food, feel free to offer to let her do the cooking – and buy the ingredients, if necessary. And if she complains about a dirty floor, thank her for noticing and hand her a mop.
Dear Queenie,
There is this woman where I work who is much older than I am (I’m 21) but we have become good friends. She has a lot of problems in her marriage. Her husband is jealous and domineering and she thinks he cheats on her, but he doesn’t want a divorce and if she moves out he will not let her see their children.
Queenie, I really care for this woman. Is there any way I can help her?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
Your problem is not the difference in your and your friend’s ages, but the fact that you are still too young to have the experience you would need to give this woman the help she needs.
The best thing you can do for her is to suggest she seek professional help – counselling, and perhaps a lawyer.
Dear Queenie,
My sister was married to a man who cheated on her and they got divorced. Now she is going with a married man who says he is going to divorce his wife so he can marry my sister. She says this time things will be different.
Queenie, is there anything I can do to stop her?—Worried brother
Dear Brother,
Some people do not learn from experience and seem doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. You can point out to your sister that a man who cheats on his wife probably will cheat on his byside, even after (if) she becomes his wife. However, your sister probably will not want to listen to you.
All you can do is be there for her if things go wrong – and try to refrain from telling her “I told you so”.
And there is always the possibility that this new man could be the right one for her.
Dear Queenie,
My cousins and I used to get together a lot but the last couple of years not at all. A while ago I found out they were still getting together, but not with me.
Queenie, I really miss seeing them. Should I ask them why or just ignore them like they do me?—Left out
Dear Left out,
Who used to plan these get-togethers? Is it possible that your cousins are waiting for you to set one up and if you do not, they think you do not want to see them?
Call them and ask. At least then you will know the reason, and if there is a problem you will know what it is.
