Dear Queenie,
Our daughter and her children have moved in with a man who also has children of his own. If they were married we would treat his kids like our own grandchildren, but we hardly know this man and his kids and we have no idea how long this relationship will last.
Queenie, what do you suggest?—(Grand)Parents trying to be fair
Dear (Grand)Parents,
By all means treat this man’s children the same way you treat your own grandchildren as long as their parents are together – and, for all the children’s sake, pray that their parents’ relationship becomes permanent, or at least lasts until they have all grown up.
Dear Queenie,
As soon as my husband and I moved into our new house our elderly next-door neighbour introduced herself to us with a homemade cake.
We were complimented and invited her in for a visit, but since then she has developed the habit of dropping in every time she sees one of us around the house. She also asks us a lot of personal questions.
I suppose it’s because she is lonely and bored, but it’s just too much.
Queenie, how do we discourage her without being rude?—Harassed
Dear Harassed,
Do not be afraid to tell your neighbour, I’m sorry, but we’re just too busy to visit right now. Tomorrow might be better,” and close the door without letting her in. But try to visit with her occasionally, although you do not need to answer any personal questions. It would be a good deed that would earn you points in heaven.
Dear Queenie,
When I married my second husband I was a widow with 2 small children. My husband has always treated my kids like they were his own and he has been a wonderful father to them and grandfather to their children now that they are grown up, but they have never given him any special acknowledgement like a phone call or a greeting card on special days like his birthday or Fathers Day or Christmas.
Queenie, how do I make them understand how much it would mean to him to get some sort of recognition from them on such days?—Exasperated mother
Dear Mother,
You should have demanded such recognition from your children from the time you married their stepfather. Children do not learn such thing by osmosis, they need to be carefully taught, as an old song goes (in a much different context).
However, better late than never. Explain to them exactly what recognition you expect from them from now on, and remind them as needed until they learn to offer it without being prodded.
Dear Queenie,
My son is working on an advanced degree in social work. He is looking forward to having a rewarding career in that field, but when he talks to his friends about it they tell him “that’s too bad” and make disparaging remarks about how he’ll never get rich that way.
Queenie, what can he say to them that won’t be rude?—Proud mother
Dear Mother,
He (and you) can tell them how proud he is (you are) that he will be able to make a significant positive difference in many people’s lives. End of discussion.
Dear Queenie,
My brothers and sisters and I are trying to plan a surprise party for our father who is about to turn 80. The problem is that we can’t agree on what kind of party to give him. Everyone has a different idea – night out at a restaurant, picnic on the beach, barbecue in someone’s back yard (but whose yard?) and so on.
Queenie, how do we decide before there is a major family feud?—Baffled
Dear Baffled,
Forget about the “surprise” party and ask your father what kind of bash he would prefer. After all, it is his birthday, so give him the kind of party he wants (if any!) rather than what you would like him to have.
