Dear Queenie,
My brother and I are twins and although we are not identical twins we are very much alike in a lot of ways and people like to look at us and compare how much we are alike. It bugs me when they do this because although I am fairly good-looking I know that my brother is more attractive than I am.
Queenie, what can I say when someone comments about this without being rude?—The other twin
Dear Twin,
Anyone who makes such a comment is him-/herself being rude. I do not believe in returning rudeness for rudeness, but I also do not believe it is necessary to be especially polite to anyone who is not treating you that way.
Depending on how insulted you feel and how polite you wish to be, you can reply, “Thank you for telling me,” or “Oh really? How kind (or ‘thoughtless,’ if you prefer to be less polite) of you to say so” – or just stare at them silently for a moment and walk away without saying anything.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine does not discipline her son very much and he has a rude way of speaking and uses a lot of bad words. I do not let my children talk that way and I don’t like for them to hear the way he talks, so I try to keep them from going to their house to play.
But. Queenie, what do I do when she brings him to my house and he acts that way and she doesn’t even try stop him?—Offended
Dear Offended,
You tell the child that in your house you have certain rules of behaviour, explain to him (and to his mother) what the rules are. Make it clear to both of them that when he visits your house you expect him to abide by your rules and if he does not he will not be welcome to visit your home.
Dear Queenie,
My husband died after a long illness and several months later I met a wonderful man and we have been going together. My children, who are all grown up, think the world of him, but my sisters and brothers think it is too soon, that I should still be in mourning.
Queenie, how do I get them off my back, or should I just cut them out of my life?—Widow
Dear Widow,
Your siblings are trying to control your life. Do not let them do so, but try not to cut them off completely.
Tell them you are sorry they think that way and then try to ignore what they say. Hopefully, they will eventually get used to the idea of your new relationship.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter has been out of school for several years during which time she had two children which she says she never really wanted. Now she wants me to take in my grandchildren so she can go away to college and get her degree.
I love my grandchildren, but I am a widow not getting any younger and I am not up to taking care of young children full time all by myself, let alone having them live with me.
Queenie, how do I say “no”?—Elderly grandma
Dear Grandma,
You say “NO” loud and clear and as often as it takes for your daughter to get the message. There is no reason she cannot stay here, keep her job if she has one or get a job if she does not so she can pay for child care, and go to college here part-time to get her degree.
And while you are about it, tell your daughter that if she does not want children she should either not have sex or learn to use birth control effectively.
Dear Queenie,
My wife’s sister cheated on her husband and got divorced and now we have received an invitation to her wedding to the man she cheated with.
We are fond of the sister, but we also are still close to her ex-husband and the children she had with him and we don’t like this new man at all.
Queenie, do we have to go to this wedding?—Disgusted brother-in-law
Dear Disgusted,
For the sake of peace in the family it would be a good idea to attend the wedding, unless you can find a really good excuse not to – like being hospitalised or in jail. However, you do not have to be overly enthusiastic with your congratulations and may leave as early as good manners allow.
