Dear Queenie,
I am lucky to have a job where I can work from home at least part of the time.
My problem is that my family and some of my friends think that because I am at home and not all dressed up for work, I am not working on my job, so I am free to visit with them or watch their kids while they go out or help them run errands because some of them don’t drive and want me to take them where they need to go. Then I can’t get my work done on time or sometimes not at all if it has to be done at a certain time.
Queenie, how can I make them understand?—Home-worker
Dear Home-worker,
You have to learn to say “no” to requests for help, and to repeat it as often and emphatically as necessary to make the other person understand. A (brief) explanation that you are working at your job and that it must be done at a certain time might help.
When you are working it might also help to screen your phone calls and put a “Please do not disturb” sign on your door saying that you are at work, especially if you include a note suggesting when they can come back and find you free to visit/run errands/watch their children.
And keep that door locked so unwanted visitors cannot just barge in on you if you do not respond to their knocking and/or ringing the doorbell.
Dear Queenie,
My husband has a friend, a woman, that he talks to about everything. He won’t talk to me about our problems or go with me for counselling, but he tells her all about what he says is wrong with me and he listens to her advice.
I tried to tell him that this was a form of cheating on me and almost as bad as if he was having sex with her (he claims he isn’t) but he just doesn’t understand.
Queenie, he reads your column in the paper every day. Maybe if you explain things he will see it and it will help.—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
There is a reason for the phrase “forsaking all others” in the marriage vows, and it means emotionally as well as physically (sexually).
By talking to another woman about your problems when he refuses to discuss them with you or a professional counsellor, he is cheating on you emotionally, and that is just as bad as (or maybe even worse than!) if he were sleeping with her – and are you so sure he is not sleeping with her? He may be lying to you about that.
Even if your husband will not go with you for counselling, go by yourself for the help it will give you in coping with your problems and deciding what to do about them.
Dear Queenie,
My husband seems to have lost his mind. He keeps sleeping with a young lady working for him who is young enough to be his kid. He has now abandoned our family to live with her after I found out, but doesn’t want a divorce.
Queenie, what’s your advice on that?—Betrayed wife
Dear Betrayed wife,
My advice is: Never mind what your husband wants, make up your mind what you want and go after it.
Professional counselling would help you decide what you want, and if it is a divorce, a good lawyer would help you go after it.
Dear Queenie,
No matter how much I try I can’t do anything to please my mother-in-law. My wife does everything she can to please her mother, but her mother just doesn’t like me and she has told the rest of her family things that make them not like me too.
I love my wife, but for the rest of her family I am still on the outside and they blame me for anything that goes wrong in our lives and always take her side.
Queenie, I have gone for counselling but my wife thinks it is silly and won’t go with me. What more can I do? Should I give up and get a divorce?—Unhappy husband
Dear Husband,
Your mother-in-law may be difficult to deal with, but your real problem is with your wife, who should be taking your side and backing you up when dealing with her family instead of letting them treat you badly.
Go back for more counselling. Ask your wife again to go with you, but if she will not, go by yourself to figure out what you want to do next and how to do it.
Dear Queenie,
I know you are supposed to always send a “thank you” when someone gives you a gift, but how do you thank someone for a gift that is obviously second-hand, or maybe something someone gave them that they didn’t want so they passed it along to you?—Thank-You Note Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
Just thank the person for thinking of you at whatever the occasion was, and do not say anything specific about the gift itself.
