Dear Queenie,
My wife has a habit of bringing up small things from the past that are very embarrassing, like the time (long before we were married) when we went out to dinner and it turned out that the place was more expensive than I had expected and I didn’t have enough money with me to pay the bill so she had to pitch in.
Queenie, why does she do it? And how can I get her to stop?—Hurt feelings
Dear Hurt,
This is a form of bullying – a “mean girl” trick that apparently she has not outgrown. She does it to get a rise out of you.
You can talk to her about this, but if I am right about her motives, you may not be able to get her to stop. However, the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore the bullying behaviour. If she cannot get the reaction she wants she may stop – or she may find some other way to get under your skin.
What you should be thinking about is not the specific behaviour, but the reason behind it – why your wife would want to make you feel this way. Counselling for the two of you might help both of you understand the dynamics of your relationship a little better. But if you cannot persuade her to go with you for counselling, go by yourself to help you learn how to deal with her better – that is, if you decide you want to continue dealing with her at all.
Dear Queenie,
What color ink is OK to use for signing greeting cards? My mother says it should only be blue or black, but my wife likes to use other colors too.
Queenie, who is right?—Greeting card Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
For sympathy or condolence cards it is best to use a sombre colour. But for festive occasions like birthdays or holidays any cheerful colour is just fine, as long as it is easy to read.
Dear Queenie,
In my family we do not drink alcohol and we do not want to serve it at our daughter’s wedding. We have been to too many affairs that were spoiled by some drunken idiot making a fool of him- (or her-) self or just making things unpleasant for everyone else.
But her fiancé thinks it would be rude not to offer our guests whatever they want to drink.
Queenie, is he right?—Wedding Etty Ket
Dear Wedding,
No! There is no rule of etiquette that alcohol must be served at a wedding – or any other event, for that matter. Serve your guests fruit punch or “soft” (unfermented) cider and if they are not satisfied they can always leave (which would be rude!).
Dear Queenie,
We are very careful about what we let our children watch on TV. Recently our daughter was invited to a sleepover at a friend’s house and we know from what she tells us that the friend is allowed to watch programs and movies that we would never allow our daughter to see, at least not until she is much older than she is now. But she will be very disappointed if she can’t go.
Queenie, what to do?—Careful parents
Dear Queenie,
I lost my husband a short while ago and I’m not ready yet to start dating, but there’s this friend of ours who keeps offering to take me out to lunch or dinner and calling and texting me and stuff like that.
I don’t want to spoil our friendship, but I really wish he’d back off and give me some space.
Queenie, how can I discourage him?—Still in mourning
Dear In mourning,
Tell him straight out what you have told me: that you are still in mourning and not ready to start socialising again.
If that spoils your friendship with him, small loss – he is not much of a friend to begin with.
