Dear Queenie,
My best friend is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honour and I accepted. The problem is that she has had to change her wedding date and the new date is the same date my boyfriend and I were going to go on vacation together and he says she should change her wedding date again to one that doesn’t interfere with our plans and he’ll never forgive me if I change my plans with him for her sake.
I happen to know he can change his vacation time easily if he does so well in advance and there is still time to do so and we hadn’t made any reservations yet, so what is the problem? But he says my promise to him should be more important to my promise to her.
Queenie, do you think he is right?—Caught between the two of them
Dear Caught,
Changing all the arrangements that go with a wedding – venue reservation, caterer, etc., etc. – and asking all the other guests to change their plans also is a lot more complicated than two people changing their plans for a vacation they have not even booked yet.
Your boyfriend is making an unreasonable demand and if you let him get away with it he will continue to try to control you. You will have to decide whether you are willing to let him get away with this kind of behaviour, and whether you are even willing to stay with him given what you now know about him.
Dear Queenie,
My brother came out as being gay a couple of years ago and our parents were terribly upset. At first they wouldn’t even speak to him but eventually they softened up and began to treat him like they did before, but they never talk to him about his social life or say anything about him being gay.
Recently I found out they have changed their wills and are leaving everything to me and my sister and nothing for him because he is gay. My sister and I think this is terrible and have tried to talk to them about it, but they won’t even discuss it.
Queenie, how can we get them to change their minds?—Angry sister
Dear Sister,
I doubt you can persuade these homophobes to change their minds, but I encourage you to keep on trying. And of course, once your parents are gone they cannot stop you and your sister from sharing your inheritance with your brother. Fair is fair, after all.
And before any of you lawyers start lecturing me on inheritance laws in St. Maarten, let me remind you that some (many, I hope) of my faithful readers live in other places with different laws.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for several years and his grown-up daughter still refuses to speak to me. I have tried to be nice to her and even helped her out when she was short of money but even then she didn’t even say “thanks.”
Queenie, what more can I do?—Second wife
Dear Second wife,
Your stepdaughter probably resents the fact that you have “replaced” her mother, but that does not excuse her behaviour. Your husband – her father – should insist that she treat you with respect at the very least, even if she does not like you. And unless/until she alters her attitude, have as little to do with her as possible, including no more financial assistance.
Dear Queenie,
When I got married I wore a beautiful custom-made gown, but what do I do with it now? It seems wasteful to pack it away and let it rot.
Queenie, what do you suggest?—Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
You could pack the gown away carefully so it does not “rot” and hope that your daughter(s) or your son(s)’ bride(s) would like to wear it at their wedding(s).
Or you could have it altered (and possibly dyed) into an evening gown that you yourself could wear on formal occasions.
Or you could donate it to a worthy organisation that then could sell (or donate) it to someone who otherwise could not afford such a lovely wedding gown.
Or you could advertise it for sale online, perhaps on eBay.
Dear Queenie,
I’m a stay-at-home mother and my husband travels a lot. My problem is his mother. When he is away she takes over paying the bills and gives me money for household expenses. I think I should be the one in charge of things when he is away, not his mother.
Queenie, what do you think?—Angry wife
Dear Angry wife,
I think it depends on where the money comes from. Is your mother-in-law taking over your husband’s paycheques or does the money come out of her pocket?
If it is the latter, she has every right to be in charge.
However, if it is the former, your husband should make arrangements to keep his paycheques and the bills out of her hands – perhaps by having the cheques deposited directly into a bank account that you can access but she cannot, and by having the bills sent to a Post Office box for which she does not have a key or by arranging for you to pay them online from said bank account. But be prepared for Mommy to have a less-than-positive reaction to any new arrangement.
