Dear Queenie,
We had dinner at some friends’ house last week and one of the guests broke a dish by accident. He got a small cut on one hand while he was picking up the pieces, but the hostess didn’t even notice. She was just going on and on about how he had broken one of her best dishes and spoiled the set.
The guy who broke the dish finally offered to replace it for her and she said maybe she could get a new dish from the place in the States where she ordered the set, but it would cost a lot, what with the shipping and all. He gave her the money and she calmed down.
A couple of days later I saw what looked like the same dishes in a store on the French side and a whole place setting didn’t cost nearly as much as the money he gave her. I think she made a profit on the whole deal.
Queenie, do you think I should tell him he was cheated?—Dinner guest
Dear Dinner guest,
Let’s be charitable and assume that the hostess didn’t know her dishes were available on the French side, or that the dishes you saw were cheap knock-offs of an expensive pattern.
However, if you accept any more invitations from these friends, I suggest you be very careful not to break anything. And if you ever have any financial dealings with this woman, check the receipts carefully and count your change at least twice. And then count your fingers, just to be sure you still have all of them.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s son by his first wife wants to come to live with us. My husband is all for it, but my oldest daughter (by my first husband) says he used to molest her when he came to visit us when she was little.
She was afraid to tell me then because he said he would beat her up if she did and he would tell his father she was a liar and then his father wouldn’t want to be married to me anymore.
But now she is older (she is 11 now) she is afraid he will molest her again and maybe her little sisters (by my present husband) too, and she is also afraid he will take revenge on her for telling on him.
I told my husband I don’t want his son in the house with my girls, but he said I was making too much of what my daughter said and she was just jealous of his relationship with his son and trying to make trouble.
He said even if she was telling the truth, his son was older now and would have outgrown such behavior and anyway he would talk to him and make sure he would not bother my daughter again. He said the little girls would be safe enough because they are his son’s sisters and he would never commit incest.
Queenie, is he right?—Protective mother
Dear Protective mother,
Your husband couldn’t be more wrong. Child molesters do not stop just because someone tells them to and they are rarely held back by considerations of incest. In fact, the convenient accessibility of his half-sisters makes it even more likely that he would victimise them.
In addition, there is the trauma your oldest daughter would go through in being exposed to her molester again.
Do not try to cut your husband off from his son, but make it clear that the relationship must be maintained outside of your home and away from your daughters.
Your first responsibility in this situation, and your husband’s, is to your daughters, and the only way you can guarantee their safety is to make sure his son is never alone with them, which would be impossible if he was living in your house. For example, how could your husband guarantee that his son would not sneak into their room at night when everyone else was asleep?
If your husband does not want to listen to you, go to the Women’s Desk and/or Safe Haven for expert assistance in explaining the ugly facts of his son’s life to him.
Dear Queenie,
I don’t know what to do about my boyfriend. We’ve been going together off and on for about five years and even lived together for about a year, but then he decided he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in a committed relationship, so we broke it off.
After a few months we decided to try again, but the same thing happened. It’s been about 3 months now and I heard he has a new girlfriend, but he keeps calling me.
I love him and really want things to work out between us, but I just don’t know if he is really ready to settle down.
Queenie, what do you think?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I think you’re probably right; this guy isn’t really ready to settle down. He may be using you as a “safety net” to keep from getting too serious with his new girlfriend, or he may be -the type who likes best what he can’t have and loses interest when he has it.
You can go out with him if you enjoy his company, but don’t put much faith in him.
Meanwhile, I suggest you date other men. You may very well meet someone else with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life and who feels the same way about you. And if that happens, I’ll bet this guy will be right there trying to persuade you to come back to him, but don’t fall for his line again.
Dear Queenie,
A few years ago when I was younger, I heard my neighbor who is my sister’s friend talking about a Youth Summit. That it is some kind of meeting where young people can go and voice their opinions. I understood from the radio that one would be held during the mid-term break.
Now that I am older and my sister and her friend are away studying I would like to know about this Youth Summit. Queenie, do you know anything about Youth Summits? I didn’t get any information at school as yet. I have many questions, but I would like to know what it is all about.
Queenie, can you please tell me where to go and what to do in order to get involved? Thanks in advance for your help.—An alert mind
Dear Alert Mind,
As an alert mind, you should be reading the entire newspaper every day, not just my column, to keep up with what is going on in St. Maarten and in the outside world. If you had been doing so, you would not have to ask me these questions, as The Daily Herald has published many articles about the Youth Summit.
The Youth Summit is organised by the Social Cultural Department in collaboration with the youth officer affiliated with the Support Netherlands Antilles Youth Development Programme.
For more information about it, you can contact the St. Maarten Youth Council Association.
And make it a habit to read the newspaper regularly. It’s not just for adults, you know.
Dear Queenie,
I read your column every day and I must say that you give very good advice. Even if you do not publish my letter in the newspaper, would it be possible for you to send me an e-mail with your answer?
My fiancé and I are expecting a baby and when we first found out we were both very excited about it. The problem is he does not seem to be very happy about the baby anymore.
I invited him to come to the doctor’s office with me to see the baby and listen to the heartbeat. He said he wasn’t interested, dropped me off at the hospital and left. Now that I can feel the baby moving everything has become so real to me, but it seems with every passing week we draw further apart and he acts like he really doesn’t want to be part of our life right now.
He seems very irritated with me and spends as much time as he can away from home. In my entire life I have never been as lonely as I have been in the last weeks. I have tried talking to him, but somehow we always end up in an argument.
He told me the other day that I think because I am pregnant I can control his life. I was very hurt that he would think that way. I feel that I should break up with him since being with him is so stressful and depressing. I keep thinking that if I am alone and I know that he is not going to show up or be there, that it would be less painful than waiting and expecting him to show up and he doesn’t.
Queenie, can you offer any suggestions? I would really like things to work out but I think the most important thing right now is to focus on having a strong and healthy baby.—Pregnant and lonely
Dear Pregnant and lonely,
As I have said before, I do not answer letters individually. All letters will be answered in the newspaper.
Apparently your fiancé wasn’t prepared for the changes in lifestyle your pregnancy would cause. He may also resent your absorption with the baby and feel you are neglecting him. In short, he may be jealous of the baby even before it is born.
He may also have been brought up to believe childbearing is strictly a matter for women and it would be unmanly for him to take interest or be involved. Finally, the baby may not be as real to him as it is to you, until after it is born.
By all means, sit down with him and try to find out how he feels about what is going on in your lives right now. Don’t try to talk to him; ask him to tell you how he feels, keep quiet and listen to what he has to say.
After that you should have a better idea of what you want to do. But bear in mind that, although it is better for a child to be raised by two loving parents, it is also better for it to have only a mother than to be exposed to a resentful and therefore neglectful or even abusive father.
