Dear Queenie,
I have always prided myself on being polite to everyone. However, my husband is vexed with me for being rude to his mother. He says I was unfriendly to her and refused to talk to her when we were visiting his family over the holidays.
Queenie, the woman is impossible! She can’t forgive me for “taking her little boy away from her” and she goes on and on about how she never sees him anymore and I am keeping him away from her and then she starts criticising my clothes and my makeup and the way I take care of our children.
I’m a good mother, but I don’t spoil my children like she did hers. I was brought up to obey my parents and follow certain rules and be polite to my elders, and I am bringing up my children the same way.
I try to be polite to her, but frankly, I can’t stand her! How much of her nastiness do I have to take, anyway?—Fed up daughter-in-law
Dear Fed up,
It is easy to be pleasant to people you like, or at least don’t care about one way or the other. Having good manners means at least being civil even to people you don’t like. If you can’t manage to do that, you can’t claim to have good manners at all.
However, your husband should be sensitive to your feelings as well as his mother’s. Talk this over with him and ask for his help. Perhaps the two of you can work out some signal so that you can let him know unobtrusively when it is time for him to intervene and help you escape from his mother’s tirade.
Meanwhile, try to be patient with her, for his sake and to set a good example for your children.
Dear Queenie,
Every week I give my wife a check for household money. She is always complaining that I don’t give her enough money, but if I give her more she just spends it all and still wants more again.
A couple of times I have noticed on my bank statement that the amount for the weekly check was more than I had written on the checkbook stub. She changed the check and thought I wouldn’t notice, but I did.
When I mentioned it to her she just told me I deserved it for being so stingy and if I wanted to live nice and have good food to eat I should give her more money. That’s all she ever wants from me, money, money, money!
Queenie, what do you think I should do?—Thrifty husband
Dear Thrifty husband,
Changing a cheque is a criminal act called forgery if it is done by anyone other than the authorised person(s). However, before you threaten your wife with prosecution, I suggest you consider the difference between being thrifty and being just plain stingy.
How long has it been since you were inside a supermarket? Possibly you are out of touch with current prices. Why don’t you go shopping with your wife a few times? Let her pick out what she needs and check the prices. Then, when you get to the cashier, you pay for the groceries. I think you will be in for a big surprise!
Dear Queenie,
My next-door neighbour has a habit of dropping in at all hours and staying it seems like forever. If she sees me in the yard she will come over to chat and if she doesn’t see me she will come knocking on the door “to see if I’m all right.”
I don’t mind for a few minutes but she stays and stays and stays and won’t take any hint that it’s time for her to go home. She even dropped in while our family was here on Christmas Day!
Queenie, how do we get rid of this unwanted visitor without being rude?—Desperate for privacy
Dear Desperate for privacy,
If someone is so rude as to outstay their welcome, it is not rude of you to say, “Sorry, we must ask you to leave now,” giving whatever excuse you choose, although none is required.
However, if your neighbour had no one to go to visit or to come to see her on Christmas Day, she must be lonely indeed! You don’t have to put up with her intrusiveness all the time, but a little patience now and then would surely win you points in heaven.
Dear Queenie,
I recently met a very nice man who seems interested in me and has asked me to go out with him. He is not married, but my sister says he is living with a girlfriend.
I can’t make up my mind whether to go out with him or not. It’s not as if he was married, but I don’t like having to compete with another girlfriend.
What do you think, Queenie?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I think your competition has the edge. If this man is living with her, presumably there is an established relationship between them and some degree of commitment.
I also think this man has demonstrated that you cannot rely on him to be faithful to you if you get involved with him. He is cheating on the woman with whom he is living and no doubt he would cheat on you as well.
I am sure you can do better.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is always taking things. She has taken money out of my purse, helped herself to some of my jewelry, wears my clothes whenever she likes something, eats all the food in the fridge when she is hungry or gives it to her friends. I’ve seen her with some things that I don’t know where she got them and I’m afraid she stole them somewhere.
I didn’t teach her to be like this and I don’t know where she got these habits.
I don’t want to ask her to pay for it, because she doesn’t have a very good job and besides, I’m afraid if I try to talk to her about it she will get angry and move out. I certainly don’t want to report her to the police about the money, but I can’t afford to have things go on this way.
Queenie, do you think she will ever change?—Desperate mother
Dear Desperate mother,
As long as you let her get away with this kind of behaviour, why should she ever change? And yes, you did teach her these habits, by keeping silent about them and not showing her that there were consequences for her actions.
It’s time to confront her and let her know how much you dislike what she is doing. Also, make it clear that you will not tolerate this behaviour and if it continues, she will have to move out. You might also require her to get some counselling if she wants to go on living with you. And while you’re about it, start charging her rent, plus something for the food she eats and/or gives away.
If she protests, and she probably will, stick to your guns. It’s time for some tough love, before she gets herself into some real trouble.
