Dear Queenie,
I read your column every day and I must say that you give very good advice. Even if you do not publish my letter in the newspaper, would it be possible for you to send me an e-mail with your answer?
My fiancé and I are expecting a baby and when we first found out we were both very excited about it. The problem is he does not seem to be very happy about the baby anymore.
I invited him to come to the doctor’s office with me to see the baby and listen to the heartbeat. He said he wasn’t interested, dropped me off at the hospital and left. Now that I can feel the baby moving everything has become so real to me, but it seems with every passing week we draw further apart and he acts like he really doesn’t want to be part of our life right now.
He seems very irritated with me and spends as much time as he can away from home. In my entire life I have never been as lonely as I have been in the last weeks. I have tried talking to him, but somehow we always end up in an argument.
He told me the other day that I think because I am pregnant I can control his life. I was very hurt that he would think that way. I feel that I should break up with him since being with him is so stressful and depressing. I keep thinking that if I am alone and I know that he is not going to show up or be there, that it would be less painful than waiting and expecting him to show up and he doesn’t.
Queenie, can you offer any suggestions? I would really like things to work out but I think the most important thing right now is to focus on having a strong and healthy baby.—Pregnant and lonely
Dear Pregnant and lonely,
As I have said before, I do not answer letters individually. All letters will be answered in the newspaper.
Apparently your fiancé wasn’t prepared for the changes in lifestyle your pregnancy would cause. He may also resent your absorption with the baby and feel you are neglecting him. In short, he may be jealous of the baby even before it is born.
He may also have been brought up to believe childbearing is strictly a matter for women and it would be unmanly for him to take interest or be involved. Finally, the baby may not be as real to him as it is to you, until after it is born.
By all means, sit down with him and try to find out how he feels about what is going on in your lives right now. Don’t try to talk to him; ask him to tell you how he feels, keep quiet and listen to what he has to say.
After that you should have a better idea of what you want to do. But bear in mind that, although it is better for a child to be raised by two loving parents, it is also better for it to have only a mother than to be exposed to a resentful and therefore neglectful or even abusive father.
Dear Queenie,
My husband has put on so much weight since we got married that I can hardly stand to look at him. He used to be very handsome, but now he is absolutely gross! He must weigh close to 400 pounds.
I have tried to get him to lose weight, but he says eating is his only pleasure now. He has no interest in sex, which is just as well because I can’t stand to have him touch me the way he is.
But I still love him and I am worried about his health. Besides, I miss the handsome husband I used to love making love with.
Queenie, what can I do?—Weighed down with worry
Dear Weighed down with worry,
Your husband’s loss of interest in sex may be due to a medical problem that has also caused his weight gain. Or the excess weight may have made him impotent. No matter which is the cause and which is the effect, it is very likely that the problems are inter-related.
Try to persuade him to have a complete medical check-up. If you can’t, or if he goes to the doctor but refuses to follow the doctor’s instructions, insist that he have all his affairs in order.
I’m sorry to be so pessimistic, but if he weighs as much as you say he does, he is a prime candidate for untimely death and you must be prepared to deal with it.
Dear Queenie,
I never wanted to have children. Before we got married my wife said she felt the same way, or I wouldn’t have married her. But now that my brother and his wife have a baby, all of a sudden she doesn’t think life is complete without one.
I still don’t want children. I don’t like them, and I do like the way we have been living without them.
Queenie, I’m not going to change my mind. How can I get my wife to stick to the deal we made when we got married?—Don’t want kids
Dear Don’t want kids,
It’s possible your wife told you what you wanted to hear before you were married, expecting you would change your mind, or she could change it for you, later on.
It’s also possible she is seeing her brother’s baby “through rose-coloured glasses” – only seeing how cute and warm and cuddly it is and not noticing the dirty diapers, 2:00am feedings, expense, crying at all hours, being tied down and all the other less appealing aspects of parenthood.
Arrange with your brother and his wife for your wife to baby-sit for them while they take a nice romantic weekend off together (that is, assuming your wife knows how and can be trusted to take proper care of the infant). I’m sure they will appreciate the respite from parental duties and it may be an eye-opener for your wife.
If that doesn’t work, you had better take the responsibility for birth control into your own hands, or you may find yourself with one or more little “accidents” on your hands.
And remember, the only contraceptive method that is 100% certain for a man is a vasectomy. Condoms have been known to break, accidentally or otherwise, and I doubt that your wife can be trusted to use any other method effectively in her present frame of mind.
Readers, please note: I do not advocate either parenthood or childlessness, but I also do not recommend that a man who does not want children let himself be pressured or deceived into becoming a father. Children deserve better than a reluctant father who may eventually abuse or abandon them.
Dear Queenie,
I always used to dream of getting together with a woman who liked sex as much as I do. But when I finally did, it was more like a nightmare.
First of all, I couldn’t satisfy her. We were together every night and I thought I had a lot of stamina in bed, but she was never satisfied, even when I was exhausted.
Then I found out she was going with other men when I was at work and I don’t think she was having safe sex because she never wanted to use a condom when she was with me.
I tried to get her to cool it a little for my sake and she said she would because she loved me, but I heard she was still going out behind my back so I got scared and I dumped her.
Queenie, if a man is expected to control his appetite for sex to please a woman, why isn’t a woman expected to do the same for her man?—Too pooped to pop
Dear Pooped,
Of course people who love each other should be expected to make compromises to reconcile their differences.
However, you seem to have hooked up with a woman who was a nymphomaniac, which is a far different matter than just liking sex. Nymphomania is an addiction to sex and, by definition, uncontrollable. Sometimes psychological counselling can help, but the woman must want to be helped, and even then it can be difficult.
I suggest you take a long, very restful vacation and then start looking for a woman with a more compatible libido.
Dear Queenie,
I have a friend who is always borrowing money from me, but never pays it back. It’s always a dollar for a snack or a drink or a few dollars for lunch or gas for her car or whatever, never very much, but it adds up to a lot of money over time.
Queenie, how can I collect my money and stop her from borrowing any more?—Going broke
Dear Going broke,
No one can take advantage of you unless you let them. When they try, just say no!
You may never be able to get back the money you have already lent her, but the next time this “friend” approaches you with a request for money, tell her you’re sorry, but you’re a little short of funds yourself because of all the money you have lent to her, and ask her if she could possibly pay back some of what she has borrowed.
Then present her with a list of the loans you have made her, if possible, or at least with the total amount she owes you, and ask her how soon she thinks she will be able to pay you back.
After that, whenever she approaches you for money ask her again (and again and again and again, if necessary) for repayment. You will soon see your money or, more likely, the last of this so-called friend.
