Dear Queenie,
I read your column every day and I must say that you give very good advice. Even if you do not publish my letter in the newspaper, would it be possible for you to send me an e-mail with your answer?
My fiancé and I are expecting a baby and when we first found out we were both very excited about it. The problem is he does not seem to be very happy about the baby anymore.
I invited him to come to the doctor’s office with me to see the baby and listen to the heartbeat. He said he wasn’t interested, dropped me off at the hospital and left. Now that I can feel the baby moving everything has become so real to me, but it seems with every passing week we draw further apart and he acts like he really doesn’t want to be part of our life right now.
He seems very irritated with me and spends as much time as he can away from home. In my entire life I have never been as lonely as I have been in the last weeks. I have tried talking to him, but somehow we always end up in an argument.
He told me the other day that I think because I am pregnant I can control his life. I was very hurt that he would think that way. I feel that I should break up with him since being with him is so stressful and depressing. I keep thinking that if I am alone and I know that he is not going to show up or be there, that it would be less painful than waiting and expecting him to show up and he doesn’t.
Queenie, can you offer any suggestions? I would really like things to work out but I think the most important thing right now is to focus on having a strong and healthy baby.—Pregnant and lonely
Dear Pregnant and lonely,
As I have said before, I do not answer letters individually. All letters will be answered in the newspaper.
Apparently your fiancé wasn’t prepared for the changes in lifestyle your pregnancy would cause. He may also resent your absorption with the baby and feel you are neglecting him. In short, he may be jealous of the baby even before it is born.
He may also have been brought up to believe childbearing is strictly a matter for women and it would be unmanly for him to take interest or be involved. Finally, the baby may not be as real to him as it is to you, until after it is born.
By all means, sit down with him and try to find out how he feels about what is going on in your lives right now. Don’t try to talk to him; ask him to tell you how he feels, keep quiet and listen to what he has to say.
After that you should have a better idea of what you want to do. But bear in mind that, although it is better for a child to be raised by two loving parents, it is also better for it to have only a mother than to be exposed to a resentful and therefore neglectful or even abusive father.
