Dear Queenie,
I belong to a group that frequently arranges potluck lunches. Some members of the group don’t contribute anything, but they still attend and fill up their plates. I’ve even seen some of them fill up extra plates to take home with them.
Queenie, is this proper?—I do my share
Dear I do my share,
Of course it is not proper! In fact it is rude, presumptuous and downright greedy. But some shameless people are always ready to impose on others’ good nature.
I suggest that from now on it be made clear in the announcement of such an event that everyone is required to bring a contribution of food if they want to participate.
You could also make the non-contributors pay a certain amount of money if they don’t bring food. The money could then be used to purchase some extra desserts, or to reimburse the people who do bring food for part of the cost of their contributions.
Dear Queenie,
I have a 13-year-old daughter and she is getting out of control. When I speak to her it is as if I said nothing, because she goes and does what she wants anyway. I beat her, I punish her and it still doesn’t work. All she wants to do is go on the road whenever she wants and never know when to come back.
When I tell her to do anything, I have to tell her over and over, and in school she’s answering the teacher and when the teacher tells her to tell me she goes by her father and tells him and he never tells me anything. I find out when I go to visit the school or look in her books in the evening.
Queenie, I have tried everything.—Don’t know what to do
Dear Don’t know what to do,
You seem to have serious communication problems with your daughter, and possibly with her father as well.
Punishing your daughter and abusing her won’t help the situation, but will only make matters worse. With that kind of treatment, it is no wonder she only wants to go out and not come home!
Instead of telling your daughter and scolding her, try just talking to her and really listening to what she has to say.
Ask her father to inform you when there is a message from your daughter’s teacher. Speak to her teacher, explain the problem and ask her/him to communicate with you directly when there is a problem.
Both you and your daughter would probably benefit from counselling. At the very least, a professional could help you both learn to communicate without hostility. Ask your daughter’s school counsellor for help, or ask the Women’s Desk to refer you to a counsellor.
Dear Queenie,
My 14-year-old daughter has been dating a boy the same age for about a year and I just found out they are having sex, so I’m putting her on birth control, but that’s not why I’m writing to you.
My daughter’s life is now centered around this boy, but he doesn’t really pay her much attention or spend much time with her. I have heard her arguing with him on the phone and crying because he doesn’t want to see her because he has something else to do, like sports or hanging out with the guys.
She has lost interest in school and refuses to get involved in any outside activities. All she wants to do is wait for this boy to call her.
Queenie, I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions?—Worried mother
Dear Worried mother,
These children are both too young to be having sex, or an exclusive relationship. Especially the boy is too immature to handle the kind of relationship your daughter wants, and from what you say, so is she.
My guess is that the main reason he spends even as much time with her as he does, which would seem to be very little from what you say, is because he can get what he wants (sex) from her. If that is the case, she is being very foolish, and it is up to you to explain to her the difference between sex and love, and that a woman can’t buy a man’s love with sex.
If her father is in your home, let him explain this fact of life to her from a male point of view. If her father is not available, perhaps another adult male family member can help.
It is time for you to assert your parental authority. Insist that she not see this boy alone for at least two or three months. Let him visit her at your home when you are there, invite him for dinner or to join family activities, if he is willing, but do not let them meet under circumstances where they can indulge in sexual activity.
I know this will be very difficult, especially if you have a job outside the home, but hopefully it will prove to her that all he is interested in is the sex.
Talk to the boy and to his parents, separately and then together. Explain to them the rules you have laid down for your daughter, and the reasons. Tell the boy you expect him to abide by them and tell his parents you expect their cooperation in enforcing them.
It would help if you sign your daughter up for some sort of organised outside activities, such as a volunteer organisation, or arrange for her to visit relatives off-island, if possible (be sure to explain to them that you want to get her away from this boy for a while).
Family counselling would also help both of you cope with this situation. Ask the Women’s Desk to refer you.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been having an affair with a married man for many years. At first he said he couldn’t leave his wife until the children were out of high school. Then he wanted to wait until they finished college. Now his kids are grown up and out on their own and he says he can’t leave his wife because she will take him for everything he’s got.
But I happen to know that he has money of his own from before they got married, and so does she, and even if he has to split 50-50 with her he’ll still be wealthy enough to never have to do another day’s work in his life.
Queenie, do you think he’ll ever leave his wife? And why doesn’t she throw him out? I’m sure she knows about us.—Impatient Byside
Dear Impatient Byside,
Apparently your boyfriend is well acquainted with the old saying, “Why buy a cow when milk is cheap?” He has things just the way he wants them and obviously has no intention of changing anything.
As for his wife, either she doesn’t know about you, doesn’t want to know, or knows and doesn’t care. Whatever it is, she has all the advantage and apparently she too is satisfied to let things remain as they are.
You, however, have wasted years of your life on an adulterous jerk who probably would have cheated on you if he had married you. In fact, you may not be his only byside. Have you considered that?
It’s high time you woke up and smelled the coffee!
Dear Queenie,
My mother died a few months ago and while we were clearing out her things my Dad found some letters she had saved from when she was a girl, before she ever met him. They were from a boy she dated in high school.
Now all Dad can talk about is how Mom was unfaithful to him in her heart by keeping the letters. He says if she had really loved him she wouldn’t have kept the letters to remember someone else.
Queenie, I don’t know what to say to him. Help!—Daughter in mourning
Dear Daughter in mourning,
Your father is also in mourning and is not thinking entirely rationally. He is probably also angry at your mother for “leaving” him, a normal stage of the grief process, and because he knows she didn’t leave him voluntarily, using the letters as an excuse for his anger.
Tell him it is normal for women to keep mementoes of happy times in their youth. It was probably not the boy she remembered, but her young days and the feeling of first love. Tell him also that she probably had forgotten she had the letters, and if she had forgotten them, she had also forgotten the boy who wrote them.
