Dear Queenie,
My wife died several years ago. A couple of years later a good friend of mine died and a few months ago his widow and I started dating. I have always been fond of her and after she told me she was falling in love with me we became serious and I invited her to move in with me.
We are happy together, but I want us to get married. I think it would be more respectful of her and I would feel better about it socially speaking, even though I know it is nothing these days for unmarried people to live together.
I have asked her several times to marry me. At first she said she wasn’t ready to remarry. Then she told me she had promised her husband on his deathbed that she would always be faithful to him and would not marry again.
I was always taught that marriage was “until death do you part” and the vows ended when one spouse died. I want to be married and have a life with this woman, but I’m beginning to wonder about her.
Queenie, am I being too old-fashioned?—Widower
Dear Widower,
Marriage and being willing to make that commitment will never be “old-fashioned”, no matter how common alternative lifestyles become. Most women would find your attitude charming and possibly irresistible.
There are several possibilities. One is that your lady friend has not yet recovered from the loss of her first husband and, as she says, is just not ready to make a lifetime commitment to you.
She might also be reluctant or even afraid to break the deathbed promise she made to her first husband. Here I must suggest that if he had really loved her, he would have wanted her to find happiness after he was gone and wouldn’t have asked her to make such a promise.
Another possibility is that she was not happy in her first marriage and is therefore reluctant to risk making a serious commitment to you.
Still another is that she is enjoying the independence of widowhood and does not want to give it up. Even though she is willing to live with you, she may still want to retain the freedom to leave if she finds someone she likes better.
You will have to decide whether and how long you are willing to wait for her to “tie the knot” with you.
