Dear Queenie,
Some friends of mine have awful table manners. They take huge bites of food and don’t keep their mouths closed when they chew the food. They put their elbows on the table to lean on them and keep their faces close to their plates.
They have lunch with people they work with who I think must have noticed their terrible table manners. I would think their bosses would have noticed and customers will have seen it too if they eat with them.
They are basically very nice people, but their awful table manners might be keeping other people from wanting to get to know them and could be keeping them from getting ahead in their jobs or could even keep them from getting a job if they happen to eat something where a prospective employer could see it.
Queenie, is there anything I could do to help them learn better?—Disgusted friend
Dear Friend,
This is a very sensitive matter, because your friends will probably be offended if you try to correct their manners.
Perhaps you and several other friends could get together, with the offenders present, and talk in general about what you were taught about table manners, without specifically pointing a finger at anyone.
Also, I have often thought that it is so easy these days to record something that offends you and show it to the offender so that they can see for themself how they look to other people, but that is a rather drastic action to take.
Dear Queenie,
My husband died in a traffic accident several years ago after many wonderful years of marriage. I will always grieve for him, but I miss the companionship of marriage and am starting to think about finding someone else to share my life with. However, my son thinks this would be disrespecting his father’s memory.
Queenie, how can I convince him that he is wrong?—Lonely widow
Dear Widow,
Far from being “disrespectful”, you are paying tribute to the happiness your husband gave you.
Try to reassure your son that nobody will ever replace his father, but that you hope to find again the comfort and companionship that comes with sharing your life with a “significant other” person.
Dear Queenie,
Some time ago a person I used to be close to just stopped having anything to do with me, without anything happening that I know of and no explanation.
I wrote to them and asked why and offered to apologize for anything I might have done to offend them, but they didn’t answer me. I have asked friends and family members if they know what the problem is and if not, to try to find out, but none of them want to get involved.
Queenie, I’ve given up on trying to make whatever it is right, but I would still like to find out what the problem is.—Sad former friend
Dear Former friend,
This kind of thing does happen, and there is not much you can do about it. This person may think telling you what is the matter would just make things worse, or they may think you can somehow read their mind and should know without getting any explanation.
There is not really anything you can do about it but just try to accept it and get on with your life.
Dear Queenie,
My wife is always accusing me of cheating on her. She claims she has proof, but that’s impossible because it never happened.
I tried to get her to go with me for marriage counselling, but she won’t go because she says it’s the counsellors who make you crazy. Instead, she keeps threatening to leave me because of what she thinks I did.
Queenie, how can I get her to see the truth?—Unhappy husband
Dear Husband,
I doubt you can convince your wife she is wrong or get her to “see the truth”. I suspect she already knows the truth, but prefers not to believe it – or perhaps accusing you of infidelity is a trick she uses to keep you from noticing what she herself has been up to.
I think you might be lucky if she actually ever leaves you and you are freed of her false suspicions and punitive behaviour.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been dating the same guy since we were in university, a couple of years now. Now we have both graduated and I have a good job but he hasn’t found one yet.
I would like to take things a step further and let people know that we are together, just us two, not dating anyone else, but he says he’s not ready for that yet, even though he actually is not going out with anyone else.
Queenie, should I wait for him to be “ready for that” or give up and start looking for someone else?—Can’t decide
Dear Can’t decide,
If the two of you have been “going steady”, as we used to call it, for a couple of years, you are already “in a relationship”, even if your boyfriend doesn’t want to call it that. But apparently he thinks doing so would make it somehow officially binding on him, sort of a “pre-engagement”, and is not ready to even think about anything more permanent (marriage).
Until he is ready to make some sort of commitment, you will have to decide whether – and how long – you are willing to wait for him.
