Dear Queenie,
I have a boyfriend. He is 18 years old, I’m 14. We love each other and we have sex on a regular basis with and without protection (I work very well in school). But he has another girlfriend.
She says they are just friends, but he tells me that’s his woman but they don’t have sex. She also has another man.
Girls from all over like my boyfriend and I don’t know why. He isn’t cute, that’s why I chose him. He tells me he loves me a lot, he gives me the world, and I love him too.
Queenie, I can’t continue with this 2-woman thing but I love him. My parents don’t know about me and him.—Too young for love
Dear Too young,
First, let me comment that you apparently don’t work as well in school as you think, considering the number of errors I had to correct before I could publish your letter. You would do better to concentrate on your schoolwork for a few years and forget about boyfriends of any age.
Second, you are very foolish, to say the least, to have unprotected sex with a man who is probably having sex with at least one other woman who in turn is having sex with at least one other man. He may say he is not having sex with her, but he refers to her as “his woman.” Just what do you think that phrase means? If he really loved you he wouldn’t be involved with another woman.
Your boyfriend may give you “the world,” whatever that means, but there is a very good chance he will also give you an STD, not to mention a baby. It’s a good thing for him that your parents don’t know about him or they would have him put in jail for “statutory rape,” which means having sex with a girl who is below the age of consent. I suggest you stop seeing this young man until you graduate from school. If you really love him you will do so to protect him from going to prison.
And if he really loves you, which I doubt, he will be willing to wait for you until you are grown up. That is, if you still want him when you are mature enough to have (I hope) better sense about choosing a boyfriend.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 20 years old. I would like to know if you can give me some advice. My life is between two guys that love me but there is one guy that I really love more than the next one.
He was with me when I was younger but I know we have grown and gone our own ways. Seven years later he’s back in my life, but now I’m with someone else. I really love this other one. We have been together for 7 months now and he’s starting to act very strange with me sometimes, but always finds a way to make up.
Queenie, I would like to know who you think I should be with, the one that came back in my life and that really loves me (because I can see that), or the one I’ve been with for 7 months that I really love that is acting strange these days.—Confused girl
Dear Confused girl,
Do you know why the guy you’re with is acting strange? Could it be because he knows or suspects how you feel about the other guy?
Talk things over with the guy you are with and try to reassure him that he is the one you really love. If he still acts strange, you might want to reconsider your relationship with him. It can be difficult to cope with a jealous partner, especially if he is not willing to try to control his jealousy.
He may need some help in the form of counselling, but if he is not willing to try I suggest you take a short break from the relationship until you both can sort out your feelings.
As for your old flame, it would not be fair to him to start seeing him again while you are involved with anyone else.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been going with a wonderful guy for about 2 years and he has asked me to marry him as soon as his divorce is final. That was about 8 months ago and it’s still dragging on. He says his wife is giving him problems about the divorce and he wants me to wait it out. He even gave me a ring.
Queenie, should I believe him and wait?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
That “when my divorce is final” line is one of the oldest ones in the books. It might be true, but you are right to be suspicious, ring or no ring.
I suggest you give him back his ring and tell him you don’t want to see him again until the divorce is final and he is free to marry you. You will know soon enough whether he is really getting a divorce or is just stringing you along.
Dear Queenie,
I got myself in big problems the other day. I don’t know where to turn so I thought I would ask you.
You see, my neighbor had this crazy dog that barked the whole night, every night. One night I couldn’t stand it anymore, so while my wife and kids were sleeping I thought I would cook up my “special” rat poison surprise cake.
When I gave it to the dog, he seemed happy to eat it. So the dog died and my neighbor had this whole candle ceremony burial with his kids in the yard. I didn’t feel bad at all until I found out that I lost my wedding ring. I suspect that I dropped it in the cake and dog must have eaten it!
Now my wife is suspicious, as I’m not wearing my ring anymore. And I can’t tell her the truth because she’s a big Discovery Channel-watching animal lover. In addition to this she believes in omens and losing the ring would mean to her that we were not meant to be.
What makes matters worse is that my neighbor is a massive dude who’s in an enforcement profession.
Queenie, I love my wife. Do you think I should dig up the dog and find my ring?—Need help
Dear Need help,
Your story sounds suspiciously familiar, but I’ll accept it at face value.
First, the dog: Shame on you! Why didn’t you just go to your neighbour and ask him to keep his dog quiet at night? And if that didn’t work, a pair of earplugs would have solved the problem. To destroy someone’s obviously beloved pet was unconscionably uncivilised and cruel. If I knew who you are, I would report you to your massive neighbour myself!
As for your wife, she has every right to be angry at you for losing your ring, but such things happen to women as well as men. Sooner or later you will have to admit you lost your wedding ring, so the sooner you ’fess up, the less trouble you will be in. However, you needn’t tell her how you lost it.
If she is really as superstitious as you say, you might ask a clergyman or other person she trusts to reassure her. And if you get a replacement, make sure you don’t lose it!
And no, I don’t recommend digging around in your neighbour’s yard looking for the ring. If you get caught, which is likely, you will have to explain what you are doing and why you think the ring might be in his yard, and I’m sure you don’t want to do that.
Dear Queenie,
What do you say to the family of someone who committed suicide? The wife of a friend told people she was on her way home, but she never arrived. Later they found her car with a suicide note in it, but not her body. They looked for the body, but it was never found.
That leaves so many problems for her family. There is no “closure” to her death. They have to wait years before they can claim she is dead and most life insurance companies fight this type of claim where no body is found. There are all sorts of rumors of foul play or something fishy, like she was kidnapped or she ran away with another man. The whole thing is a mess.
So, Queenie, what do we say to our friend?—Grieving
Dear Grieving,
There is not much you can say in such a situation except to let your friends know that you share their grief and are “there” for them if there is anything you can do to help. If they want to talk, listen sympathetically. If they don’t, sit with them in silence if it seems to help.
Be aware that, in addition to the normal grief one feels at the loss of a loved one, the bereaved often feel guilt at the thought that there might have been something they could have done to prevent their loved one from taking her own life.
I have always felt that suicide, in addition to being an act of extreme depression and/or despair, is the ultimate act of selfishness and self involvement. There is a good reason many religions consider suicide a (please forgive the pun) mortal sin.
The person who commits such a terrible act is thinking only of escaping from his (or her) own suffering and not at all about the problems and grief he (or she) is leaving behind. They may tell themself, “They will be better off without me,” but that is only a rationalisation for leaving a mess for their loved ones to clean up and adding to the mess by the act of self-destruction.
Anyone who is even remotely considering suicide would do better for him(her)self and for all his/her loved ones to seek help from family, friends, doctors (for very often such feelings have a cause that can be treated medically), professional counselling, whatever it takes to work out their problems and learn to cope with them.
