Dear Queenie,
We have been living in an apartment building for more than 10 years now and we loved it up until lately when our new neighbour moved in. He comes home with all kinds of different women and has this crazy sex drive that goes on for hours.
Our problem is the noise and the unthinkable times he chooses to do his thing. They get so loud that we stay in our apartment and hear their groans very clearly. We have two young primary-school-age children and on many occasions they would hear them and come up to us and ask what that noise is.
Sometimes we have to make up stories or turn up the volume of the TV whenever they start.
Queenie, it reached to the point that we sometimes try to leave the house because they do that for hours. He is aware that we and the other neighbours hear them, but they still continue without any consideration.—Disturbed
Dear Disturbed,
Have you spoken directly to this neighbour about the problem, or are you just taking it for granted that he is aware of it? If you have spoken to him and he ignores your requests, he deserves whatever reminders you choose to give him.
For example, you and the other neighbours could call him on the phone whenever he is making too much noise. The possibility of being interrupted at an inconvenient moment might encourage him to keep the noise level down. Unless, of course, he is smart enough to take the phone off the hook or turn off the ringer before he starts.
You could pound on the walls and yell at him to shut up when he disturbs you. If you can hear him, he certainly can hear you. Maybe he doesn’t care about being overheard, but at least some of his female companions probably will.
You should also discuss this problem with the landlord (or landlady, as the case may be). It would be best if more than one or more of the other tenants of the building made the complaint, separately and/or together. There is probably a noise clause in the man’s lease, and possibly a nuisance clause as well. I doubt the landlord would allow one horny sex fiend to offend any number of long-standing well-paying tenants. He/she might also have moral objections to this kind of goings-on on his/her property.
Dear Queenie,
One of my relatives has a habit of going through my desk drawers and reading my personal papers when she visits me.
She thinks I don’t know what she is doing, because she always does it when I go to the bathroom or I’m busy in the kitchen or answering the phone in the other room, but I can tell because she never puts things back exactly like I had them. Besides, sometimes I’ve seen her through a crack in the door or reflected in a mirror.
Queenie, she’s a nice person and helps me out a lot and I don’t want to quarrel with her, but I value my privacy and there are limits. How should I handle this?—Feeling invaded
Dear Feeling invaded,
There is no need to quarrel with this woman or to put up with her prying into your affairs. Just move all your personal papers, anything that you object to her seeing, to a room where she can’t get at them. Or, you could put a lock on your desk, if it doesn’t already have one, and keep it locked up whenever you are not using it. In fact, it might be a good idea to do both.
If Snoopy has the gall to comment or ask about the change in your habits, tell her the truth: You have reason to believe someone (you don’t have to say who) has been going through your things without your permission and you want to insure your privacy.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 18 years old and I want to go to college, but I have to go to work to help take care of my younger brothers and sisters because my father doesn’t have any money because he spends it all on drugs and my mother lost her job because she started using drugs too.
Us kids live with our Grandma and our uncle, but our uncle has been molesting me and I’m afraid he will rape me if I stay in the house, but if I move out he may start in on my sisters.
I told Grandma about him, but she is afraid to say anything to him because he might move out and then she wouldn’t have any money for her and us kids to live on.
Queenie, how can I keep my uncle away from me and my sisters and get my parents to stop using drugs and take care of us?—Worn out with worry
Dear Worn out,
You can’t solve your parents’ problems. They will have to do that for themselves.
Ask your sisters to tell you if your uncle tries to molest them and tell your uncle you will report him to the police if he molests you any more and/or if he bothers your sisters. If he still molests you, go to the police at once, and call Safe Haven if you need help in coping with him.
Safe Haven and/or the Women’s Desk can help you get counselling to learn to cope with your problems. The Labour Office can help you find a job so you can help your grandmother financially if your uncle stops contributing.
They may also be able to help your grandmother to get other financial assistance for your younger siblings; perhaps have child support withheld from your father’s wages, if he has a job, before he has a chance to spend the money on drugs.
Even if you can’t go to school full time because you are working, you can take some courses part-time and/or at night to continue your education. Ask the university admissions office and the Women’s Desk for advice about that. Perhaps the university can also help you find a job that will allow you to continue your studies. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Dear Queenie,
I was dating a boy I thought I knew pretty well, so I let things go too far and when I finally told him to stop he wouldn’t. Afterward when I was crying he said it was my fault because I waited until he couldn’t control himself before I told him to stop.
He said if I tried to claim he had raped me he would tell everyone what really happened and then everyone would know what a slut I am.
I just want to forget the whole thing, but my mother found me crying and made me tell her why and now she wants me to go to the police and file a complaint, but I am afraid of what that boy might say about me in court and what stories he might tell around.
Queenie, should I do what my mother says?—Rape victim
Dear Rape victim,
It is typical of a rapist to try to blame his victim for his own lack of self-control. That does not make what he says true. To the contrary, he is just adding insult to injury.
Absolutely, you should do what your mother says! You may never be able to forget being raped, but if you stand up for yourself you will feel better about yourself in the long run. If you don’t, you will forever feel like a victim.
Furthermore, if this boy is allowed to get away with raping you, there is no telling how many other girls he will victimise in the future. You owe it to them as well as to yourself to try to see that he is made to pay for what he has done.
However, you do not have to go through this alone. Call Safe Haven, tel. 9333. They will help you with counselling and moral support in this difficult time. They will even give you shelter if this boy tries to frighten you into silence.
Dear Queenie,
I am 20 years old and don’t have any kids. Lately I have noticed spider veins on my leg that make me feel very uncomfortable when I am wearing certain clothes.
None of my family members I know of have this.
I asked my doctor and she said the only way to get rid of them is through surgery, which is expensive.
Queenie, do you have any information concerning spider veins?—Worried
Dear Worried,
I am not writing a medical advice column, so readers, please take note: Writing a letter to Queenie is not a good substitute for a trip to your doctor’s office. In this case, I recommend going to another doctor for a second opinion.
Spider veins are those small, unsightly clusters of super-fine red, blue or purple veins that most commonly appear on the thighs, calves and ankles. Obviously, they are more apparent on a light-skinned person than someone with dark skin.
According to my information, there are various treatments for spider veins, including treatment with laser or by injection of a solution that causes them to disappear or become much smaller. Some treatments are more effective than others and some more expensive. There is about a 50-90% chance for a greatly improved appearance. There are some possible side effects.
A number of factors contribute to the development of spider veins, including heredity; pregnancy and other events that cause hormonal shifts; weight gain; occupations or activities that require prolonged sitting or standing; and the use of certain medications.
There are several easy things you can do to help prevent spider veins (and varicose veins) and to relieve any discomfort the ones you have may cause:
Protect your skin from the sun by wearing sunscreen.
Exercise regularly to improve your leg strength, circulation, and vein strength. Focus on exercises that work your legs, such as walking or running.
Control your weight to avoid placing too much pressure on your legs.
Do not cross your legs when sitting. Try to elevate your legs when resting.
Do not stand for long periods of time. If you must do so, shift your weight from one leg to the other every few minutes. If you have to sit for long periods of time, stand up and move around or take a short walk approximately every 30 minutes.
Wear elastic support stockings, but avoid clothing that is too tight or that will constrict your waist, groin, or legs.
Make sure to include high-fiber foods in your diet, as constipation can contribute to spider and varicose veins. High fiber foods include fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains, like bran.
Control your salt intake. Salt, or sodium, can cause you to retain water or swell.
