Dear Queenie,

Cake. I want you to know from the start this is about cake. Birthday cake and irritation.

It was my birthday recently. I am not big on celebration. Every darn day is made to celebrate. Let me get back to the cake. The Dutch custom is for people making birthday to bring cake to the office. Lots of people do it where I work. We eat cake for everything on an island with a highest diabetes rate in the Dutch Kingdom. But, who cares? Let’s eat cake!

Back to my irritation. It was my birthday. I was not in office for it nor was I there for like two weeks afterwards. I was on vacation then I was sicker than a mangy dog with a four pack of cigarettes a day cough. I was sick, sick.

I am now back to work. A few days ago, this colleague turns up at my office door asking when am I treating with cake or goodies. I mean really? I ignored her. I found out at lunch today (this is why I am writing you) that this colleague complained to anyone who would listen that I did not bring cake. She thinks I should be more considerate.

I want to tell her off in front of everyone. Queenie, I don’t want be unprofessional, but …

Dear Don’t want be unprofessional,

I can sense your heavy frustration from your words. I commend you for seeking insight and wanting to keep your professionalism. This is about cake after all.

You are justified in your irritation. It is up to you how you choose to mark such a personal milestone. That said, it seems to me you are dealing with a culture expectation. Your reference to “the Dutch custom” tells me this may not be your background.

Do not confront your colleague in anger. She may be speaking from her cultural reference point. In some offices, traditions become assumed obligations, even when they are not written rules.

However, what concerns me more than her asking about cake is her decision to complain to others. Discussing your choice with colleagues instead of speaking to you directly shifts this from cultural expectation to unprofessional behaviour. Office gossip over birthday cake is unnecessary and creates tension where none needed to exist.

Instead, find a quiet moment and calmly tell her the reason you did not follow the tradition, you are not big on milestones, you were unwell, or it was not in your budget. One thing well understood in Dutch society is frugality and budgeting.

If you were planning to treat with cake or other goodies, just not now, you may still do so. You can even make a light statement about why you waited.

It is your milestone. You should not be quietly bullied into treating. There are office traditions, though, and balance is a good thing. —Queenie

Dear Queenie,

I’ve finally landed a leadership role at work, something I’ve dreamed about since school. But every success feels shadowed by worry: what if I can’t keep it? What if I slip up and everyone hears about it? What if I let down my community, my mentors, my parents?

In St. Maarten, pride is big, but so is reputation. People watch. They talk. I want to celebrate, but I’m scared of the fall, especially as a woman. I don’t even want to post updates on my social media or professional networks such as LinkedIn.

Is self-doubt just fear of failure, or something deeper? My sleep is affected by the worry of falling on my face. Maybe I need to just be quiet.

Queenie, please help me with some perspective. —Good News, Hard Heart

Dear Good News, Hard Heart,

Fear of success and fear of falling are very real in small communities like ours. On an island, achievement rarely happens quietly. When you rise, people notice. Some celebrate you. Some observe. A few may wait to see if you stumble. That visibility can feel heavier than the promotion itself.

In St. Maarten, pride is big, but so is reputation. Success can feel less like a personal milestone and more like a public event. And for women especially, leadership often comes with added scrutiny. Are you too ambitious? Too visible? Too confident? The pressure may not always be spoken, but it is felt. Yet the strongest pressure is often internal.

What you are describing sounds very much like imposter syndrome, that persistent doubt that ques

Dear Queenie,

I need advice before I lose both my patience and a long-standing friendship.

A good friend of mine came to “visit” us in St. Maarten. The word visit is doing a lot of work here because she never gave a departure date. It’s now been weeks.

She insists she is “no bother.” She says she barely takes up space. But space is not just physical. My spouse works from home, and our routines have completely shifted. The house no longer feels like ours. There is always someone there.

She doesn’t offer to contribute to groceries, utilities, or household expenses. When we gently hint, she says she doesn’t eat much or use much, so she doesn’t see the need. She also chose not to rent a car because she says it’s too expensive, yet she frequently asks to use ours to go to the beach. She will put in a little gas, but returns it sandy, cluttered, and casually apologetic.

Here’s the complicated part: she is clearly lonely. Recently divorced. Emotionally fragile. She speaks as though she still lives a high-end lifestyle, but the reality doesn’t match. It feels like she is escaping something back home. I feel sympathy. But I also feel used.

My family is feeling the strain. My spouse is irritated. I am caught between compassion and resentment.

How do I set boundaries without kicking someone who is already down? And how do I do it before this damages our friendship permanently? —Friendship Fatigued

Dear Friendship Fatigued,

Hospitality has a rhythm. A visit has a beginning, a middle, and an end. When that end is undefined, tension begins to build — even between good friends.

A respectful house guest clarifies how long they are staying, offers to contribute in meaningful ways, and remains mindful that they are stepping into someone else’s routines. When a guest uses your car, contributes minimally to gas, doesn’t help with groceries or utilities, and adapts to the home as if it were permanent, the dynamic quietly shifts from “welcome guest” to “uninvited extension.”

Your compassion for her loneliness is admirable. But compassion without boundaries becomes resentment. And resentment, left unspoken, destroys friendships far faster than an honest conversation ever could.

You need clarity and a plan.

To set a departure date, say: “We’ve loved having you, but we need to talk about your plans. What date are you planning to leave?” If she deflects: “I need us to agree on a date. This open-ended arrangement isn’t working for our family.”

Regarding contributions: “Since you’ve been here longer than expected, we need to start sharing costs, groceries, utilities, and fuel. Let’s work out what feels fair.”

On the car: “We’re not able to share the car regularly anymore. You’ll need to make other arrangements for getting around.”

You do not need to justify these statements with long explanations. Calm. Direct. Kind.

It is possible your friend is escaping something. It is also possible she has grown comfortable in a space that is not hers. Either way, your home must remain a place where your family feels at ease.

You are not kicking someone while they are down. You are closing a door gently before it has to be slammed. A true friendship can survive clarity.—Queenie

Dear Queenie,

I’ve been living with a man for 6 years but I’m not in love with him. He’s my best friend, but we’re not in love. I don’t think we ever were. We moved in together because it was cheaper than having two homes. We’re both in our 40s and we’re just like an old married couple except we don’t have sex.

I don’t want to hurt him because I think a lot of him, but I want some romance in my life.

Queenie, what should I do?—Wants more out of life

Dear Wants more,

For sure you won’t find “romance” with anyone else as long as you are living with your friend. On the other hand, you wouldn’t want to end this relationship only to find yourself totally alone and lonely for your best friend.

The first thing you should do is talk things over with your housemate. You may find that he is feeling the same way you do and it’s time for both of you to move on separately. Or you may find that a frank discussion will lead your present relationship in a more romantic direction.

Don’t deny the possibility. Many a good marriage has been built on the basis of a solid friendship, and sometimes “romance” isn’t as wonderful as you expect it to be.