Dear Queenie,
I’ve had one boyfriend in my entire life (I’m 19 years old). He broke up with me after 7 months. He said he wasn’t ready to settle down as yet. I told him that I knew he was the one for me, and I don’t need to look any further because he is the one I want to grow old with. But he kept saying he didn’t want to marry me any time soon.
Queenie, he still wants to be “friends” because he says he doesn’t want to lose me completely, and he still would like to be able to talk to me and hang out sometimes.
Now I don’t know what to do. I love him, he’s my first for everything, and I know that as long as we remain friends I’ll continue to be in love with him, and I won’t be able to move on. But I also know that he doesn’t want to be with me as my boyfriend, at least not now. When we hang out we have sex and it hurts me to do this, because I love him but I don’t know about his feelings anymore.
Queenie, what should I do? Break it off completely, or continue to hold onto a “maybe”?—Holding on too much
Dear Holding on,
What “maybe”? He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, but he continues to have sex with you. He’s getting everything he wants from you without having to give anything in return.
How can you possibly know this is the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life? He is your “first for everything” and you have no basis for comparison.
What should you do? First, stop having sex with him! If he won’t take “no” for an answer, break up with him completely. But my guess is you won’t have to, because as soon as you stop selling yourself so cheaply, he will disappear. And if that hurts you now, think how much worse it would have been if you had married him!
Next, start dating other men. And don’t be too quick to jump into bed with them! I have no doubt that as you become acquainted with many different men, the one you are anguishing over now will suffer by comparison. Eventually you will be asking yourself what you ever saw in him.
Dear Queenie,
I go to college in the United States, but my mother treats me as if I am still a child living at home. She calls me every night and if I’m not in by what she thinks should be my bedtime she keeps calling until I get home and then she quizzes me on where I was and who I was with and what we were doing.
She tells me what to eat and what classes to take and what clubs I should or shouldn’t join and what sports I should go out for.
Queenie, I know she works hard to pay for my education, but isn’t part of that education learning to make my own decisions?—Mama’s little boy
Dear Mama’s little boy,
To a mother, her son is always her little boy, even when he has children of his own. Your mother is obviously having trouble cutting the apron strings and you don’t seem to be struggling too hard to grow up.
For instance, if you are old enough to go to college, you are old enough to hold a part-time job to help pay for your education and living expenses. So why does your mother have to work so very hard?
For both your sakes, start learning to stand on your own two feet without Mommy’s help and financial support. After all, she won’t be there forever to support you and take care of you. Moreover, if you ever intend to get married, you will find that most women won’t put up with a dependent little boy for a husband.
Besides, if you are contributing to your own upkeep, you will have a better argument for having some say in the decisions about classes, sports, etc.
Dear Queenie,
I am from another island. My mom’s home was damaged during a storm.
Are there any organizations or companies involved in relief for the other islands? It is sad to say that I wish I can do something for her but I can’t.
Queenie, if there is anybody out there who can help us, please let us know. Thanking you in advance.—Storm victim’s daughter
Dear Daughter,
During the hurricane season a lot of groups send relief supplies to the islands that have been hit by hurricanes, but I haven’t heard much about hurricane relief recently.
I suggest you contact the local Red Cross chapter. If anyone would know, they would. The Red Cross headquarters is on Airport Boulevard in Simpson Bay, tel. 545-2333 or 545-2304, or fax 545-5263.
Dear Queenie,
I’m a college graduate in my 20s with a good job and a wonderful boyfriend, except for one thing. He keeps saying he’s not ready to be a father.
I, on the other hand, am getting desperate for a baby. Every time I hear one of my high school friends is pregnant I get depressed because something is missing from my life. All my old friends have children, some of them have several already, all except me.
My boyfriend and I don’t use protection when we have sex, but I don’t get pregnant.
Queenie, is something wrong with me?—Desperate for a baby
Dear Desperate,
If you suspect there is something physically wrong with you, go to your gynaecologist for a complete examination and tests. Your boyfriend shoud go to his doctor too, because the reason you do not get pregnant might be that there is something wrong with him.
However, you should also be asking yourself why you are so desperate for a baby, especially when your boyfriend has made it plain that he is not ready for parenthood. Keeping up with your high school friends is not a good reason to bring into the world an innocent child who might suffer from the problems you might face if you found out after the fact that you also were not ready.
You should also be thinking about the problems you might face as a single mother, as your boyfriend might very well bail out if you become pregnant while he is still “not ready.”
And while we’re on that subject, let me remind you of the old saying, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby … .” There is a very good reason for that sequence of events, which you seem to be ignoring.
I suggest counselling to help you understand your feelings on the subject. You might ask your boyfriend to go with you, to help both of you understand why he is not ready to make a commitment to you.
Meanwhile, please start using “protection” to make sure you do not make a serious mistake.
Dear Queenie,
My older sister’s teenage stepson has been coming on to me like you wouldn’t believe. He even tried to grope me the last time they came to visit, when we were where no one else could see us. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t and I had to almost run back to where everybody else was to get away from him.
After that I made sure I wasn’t alone at any time. I even made sure my sister went with me to the bathroom although I didn’t say why. I pretended to have something in my eye.
The next day when I calmed down I called my sister and told her what happened, but she didn’t believe me. She just laughed and said something about teenagers and raging hormones and “boys will be boys.”
Queenie, I am scared. This “boy” is bigger than I am and my neighbours say they’ve seen him around my house at night. They didn’t think anything about it because he’s my nephew, but I live alone. What should I do?—Not just his aunt
Dear Not just his aunt,
You should have a serious face-to-face talk with your sister and her husband. Tell them how frightened you are of their son and explain that his behaviour is more than a case of raging teenage hormones and may escalate into something even worse if they don’t take control.
Tell them you are going to report his behaviour to the police and ask your neighbours to keep an eye out and let you know if they see him around your house at any hour without his parents.
Then go to the police station and make your report. And if your neighbours tell you he is hanging around your house again, call the police at once. At the very least, this boy must be forced to learn that “no” means NO!
It may cause some hard feelings in the family, but that is better than letting him get completely out of hand, with you as his victim!
