Dear Queenie,
I’ve had one boyfriend in my entire life (I’m 19 years old). He broke up with me after 7 months. He said he wasn’t ready to settle down as yet. I told him that I knew he was the one for me, and I don’t need to look any further because he is the one I want to grow old with. But he kept saying he didn’t want to marry me any time soon.
Queenie, he still wants to be “friends” because he says he doesn’t want to lose me completely, and he still would like to be able to talk to me and hang out sometimes.
Now I don’t know what to do. I love him, he’s my first for everything, and I know that as long as we remain friends I’ll continue to be in love with him, and I won’t be able to move on. But I also know that he doesn’t want to be with me as my boyfriend, at least not now. When we hang out we have sex and it hurts me to do this, because I love him but I don’t know about his feelings anymore.
Queenie, what should I do? Break it off completely, or continue to hold onto a “maybe”?—Holding on too much
Dear Holding on,
What “maybe”? He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, but he continues to have sex with you. He’s getting everything he wants from you without having to give anything in return.
How can you possibly know this is the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life? He is your “first for everything” and you have no basis for comparison.
What should you do? First, stop having sex with him! If he won’t take “no” for an answer, break up with him completely. But my guess is you won’t have to, because as soon as you stop selling yourself so cheaply, he will disappear. And if that hurts you now, think how much worse it would have been if you had married him!
Next, start dating other men. And don’t be too quick to jump into bed with them! I have no doubt that as you become acquainted with many different men, the one you are anguishing over now will suffer by comparison. Eventually you will be asking yourself what you ever saw in him.
