Dear Queenie,
My sister is always complaining about people (mostly women, it seems) who call their children, friends, relatives, whoever, to dump on them about their problems.
I used to have the same problem with our mother, but my boyfriend, who is a psychologist, taught me a wonderful trick that worked like a charm and I’ll bet would work for other folks too, so would you pass it on?
Queenie, tell them when the person is dumping on them, they shouldn’t give the person any sympathy, they should just repeat back whatever the person is saying. Like if my mother starts complaining that my Dad doesn’t take her out often enough, I repeat back to her, “So you’re telling me Dad doesn’t take you out very often.” And so on.
But (now here’s the good part) when she talks pleasantly about something, like if she says it’s a nice day, I give her lots of good conversation on the subject: “Yes, isn’t the weather great? I’ll bet your garden is blooming. Mine sure is!” And so on and so on. It’s called positive feedback and it works every time.—Undumped-on daughter
Dear Daughter,
It’s a great idea. I tried it out on my least favourite caller and, as you say, it worked like a charm, although it took a little while. Thanks for your input.
Dear Queenie,
In another advice column I read a letter about a little girl 13 years old who wanted to start dating boys her age and the columnist advised her mother to let her start dating but to keep a close eye on what was going on.
I did not agree with some of that advice. Why? Because I am 20 years old. I wouldn’t let my daughter date guys at that age. Thirteen years old is very young. I don’t say that she can’t have any friends, but keep it there right now, no relationships at all.
She has to study her lessons. That doesn’t mean that she can’t have fun, but she has to focus on what she should be doing. She must try and make something out of herself. I find the mother very right about her. I think the girl has to try to focus more on her school.
Queenie, I also think that the mother needs to talk more with her.—Second opinion
Dear Second opinion,
If you will go back and read the girl’s letter again you will see that she was not asking to have a relationship or to start dating, but just to be allowed to have a friend who is a boy and for her parents to meet him and get to know him.
If you are only 20 years old you are young enough to remember what it felt like to be 13. Telling a girl that age not to be interested in boys is like telling the tide not to come in. But certainly at that age she needs adult supervision, and she was not trying to avoid it. Rather, she was asking her mother to let her take the first steps toward growing up, under her parents’ watchful eyes.
Thanks for writing.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and we’re beginning to plan our wedding. Our problem is this girl he works with. She knows we are living together and I’ve told her we are going to get married, but she keeps asking him to go out with her, like for dinner or a show or whatever.
I’ve told her and told her to leave him alone, but she keeps on asking.
Queenie, how can I get rid of her?—Angry fiancée
Dear Angry fiancée,
You can’t. Your fiancé will have to do it.
Of course she doesn’t pay any attention to what you say. To her, you are just the jealous girlfriend of a guy in whom she is interested.
It is up to your fiancé to tell her he is not interested and to leave him alone, and I am wondering why he hasn’t done so already. Perhaps you should be wondering too.
Dear Queenie,
I dated a wonderful guy for several years, but he said he wasn’t interested in getting married or having children, so we never really got serious, but I really fell in love with him and I kept hoping.
Then he told me he had met someone he was really in love with and was going to move in with her, so I made up my mind to get over him. But every time I think I have got over him he calls me and wants to see me.
Queenie, do you think I still have a chance with him?—Still in love
Dear Still in love,
This guy may be in love with someone else, but he is looking to cheat on her every time he calls you. On the other hand, if he had any real feelings for you, he wouldn’t have become involved with someone else.
I think this guy is taking advantage of both of you, and any other woman with whom he may be involved as well. I think he can’t be trusted and you’re better off without him.
Dear Queenie,
I would like to comment about your column about the thrifty husband.
I also have a husband who won’t spend much on groceries because he says they finish too fast.
Imagine – we have a daughter who just started high school and he prefers to buy her a sandwich instead of buying groceries so she can make sandwiches.
When I shop he doesn’t complain, but when he has to shop it’s a different story.—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
Does your daughter waste a lot of food when she makes a sandwich? Unless she does, it costs your husband more to buy a ready-made sandwich than the food your daughter would have used would have cost him. After all, when you buy ready-made food you have to pay for the labour that went into making it and the profit the maker wants to get, in addition to the cost of the ingredients.
Has your husband really considered the comparative costs?
And when he does the shopping does he buy enough food to feed his family adequately, or do you also have to do some shoppipng to make up the difference?
