Dear Queenie,

I have finished college and have a good job and I’m ready to think about getting married and starting a family. But all the men my own age only seem to want to party and watch or do sports and hang out with “the guys” except when they want sex.

Queenie, where can I find a serious man who wants a wife and children and is able and willing to support us instead of expecting me to support him?—Searching

Dear Searching,

Your complaint is very familiar, and I expect my answer will also be familiar to my readers.

Part of your problem may be that you are looking in the wrong places. You probably will not find Mr. Serious Family Man in a bar, at a party, or at a sports event. Try joining a community service organisation or church, or volunteering at the hospital, the home for the elderly, one of the children’s homes, an after-school activities group, the shelter for abused women and children or other worthy organisation.

You might also inform your married relatives and friends what kind of man you are looking for. There is nothing married women like better, it seems, than “fixing up” their unmarried sisters.

And before a lot of men start writing to me asking me to put them in touch with Searching, I repeat once again: My column is not a dating service and I never give out names, addresses or other personal information of the people who write to me; not in the newspaper, not by mail or e-mail or word of mouth or any other way. Never!

If you want to make contact with someone else who has written to me, you can run an ad in the newspaper. If they are interested, they can then make contact with you.

Dear Queenie,

I’ve been dating a wonderful woman and I want to ask her to marry me. My problem is, we haven’t had sex yet. Every time I try, she seems to get all excited, but then suddenly she will break it off and say she wants to save herself for the man she marries.

Queenie, I want to marry her, but what if she still doesn’t want to have sex after we are married? I don’t want to get stuck with a frigid wife!—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

You have no real indication that this woman is not interested in sex. From what you say, she may very well simply be an intelligent woman who can control her urges and refuses become sexually intimate with a man with whom she does not have a permanent relationship.

Have you talked to her about this issue? Other than when you are “hot to trot,” I mean. If you haven’t, by all means do so – at a time when neither of you is sexually aroused. A frank discussion should give you a better understanding of her reaction to your sexual advances.

And remember the old saying to the effect that there are no frigid women, just a lot of sexually incompetent and unsympathetic men.

Dear Queenie,

I’ve been doing some yard work and other stuff for one of our neighbors. When she asked me to do the work she said she would pay me but she didn’t say how much and when I was done she said she didn’t have any cash and she’d pay me the next time I came.

But the next time I came she had to go out while I was still working and when I was done she still hadn’t come home and my mother said I couldn’t wait for her because we were going to visit my grandmother and I had to come home and get cleaned up.

I went back the next day but she said she didn’t know how much she owed me because she didn’t know when I went home, and she didn’t say anything about the money she still owed me for the time before.

Queenie, should I still go on working for her? And how do I get the money she already owes me?—Teenager

Dear Teenager,

Sit down with a pencil and a piece of paper and figure out how many hours you worked for this woman each day. If you have any friends who do similar work, ask them how much they get paid. Otherwise, ask your mother how much would be fair pay for the work you did.

Calculate how much she owes you and write it down on a piece of paper. Make two copies; one for you and one to give to the woman. Take this “bill” to the woman and ask her for your money. If she doesn’t agree with your calculations, ask her how much she thinks she owes you and write it down. Have her sign it for you, if you can persuade her to do so.

Then explain to her that you will not do any more work for her until she pays you for what you have done already. If she still won’t pay you, ask your parents to speak to her. If she still won’t pay and you are willing to take it so far, you could even ask the police to intervene on your behalf, but be aware that this would probably cause hard feelings.

Do not do any more work for this woman until she pays you what she owes. She is cheating you; there is no other way to say it. And be sure to tell anyone else you may see working in her yard about the problems you have had with her. They should be forewarned about the way she does business.

Dear Queenie,

I’ve been married for 3 years to a great guy, except for one thing. He knows he’s not the first man I ever had sex with. I had a number of boyfriends before we were married and he knows I had sex with them. I have told him I never had sex with anyone else after we started going together, but he says he doesn’t believe it.

When he asked me to marry him he said he didn’t care about the others, but now whenever I don’t feel like having sex with him he starts going on about how I must be thinking of them or I must have a man on the side if I’m not interested in sex with him. When we have a fight about something else he always ends up by saying he should have known better than to marry a slut like me.

Queenie, why can’t he just put the past behind us? He knows I love him and he should trust me. Besides, I’m sick of having to apologise for what happened before we ever even met. It’s getting so I don’t want to have sex with him even when things are good between us.—Unhappy wife

Dear Unhappy wife,

Your husband doesn’t seem to me to be all that great a guy. To the contrary, he seems to be somewhat insecure and more than a little emotionally abusive. It’s no wonder you are losing interest in making love with him. Nothing kills that mood faster than the kind of anger you feel about the way he treats you.

Counselling for both of you is called for in this case, but if he won’t go with you, go alone. At least you can get some help in coping with his abuse and in deciding whether your marriage is worth preserving.

A note to my other readers, especially young girls: This woman’s story is a perfect example of one of the major flaws in the modern attitude toward sex. Aside from the physical hazards of premarital sex, there can be severe emotional repercussions as well. Sex should not be indulged in merely as a casual pastime! Even if you are in love, it is better to exercise some restraint.