Dear Queenie,
My fiancee and I have been living together for many years and at first we used to have sex quite often, but as we got older (we are now both in our 50s) and she put on some weight and her daughter and granddaughter came to live with us the sex got to be less and less often until now it’s not at all.
Queenie, am I doing something wrong or are those all good reasons for what is (not) happening?—Deprived fiance
Dear Fiance,
Your fiancee has good reasons for her loss of interest in sex. As a woman gets older and goes through “the change of life”, not to mention gaining a lot of weight and the presence of her child and grandchild, her ability to have sex and interest in doing it decrease.
She should consult her family doctor, and possibly a specialist, for the physical reasons, and possibly a psychological counsellor, together with you, for her mental issues.
Meanwhile, I hope you will continue to love her and give her all the mental and psychological support you can.
Dear Queenie,
My husband used to look at porn sites on the Internet, but he stopped when I got mad about it and said it was a form of cheating. Then the other day I caught him looking at a site that was a view of a nude beach.
Queenie, isn’t that the same thing?—Disgusted wife
Dear Wife,
It is not exactly the same, but it is similar, and he should not do any of this if it upsets you. You can tell him I said so, if you think it will help.
Dear Queenie,
My wife died many years ago and I have been alone ever since. Recently I met a woman who seems a lot like her, but she has heart problems and even had to be in the hospital for a while.
Queenie, she says she loves me but I can’t tell if she really cares for me or she is just looking for someone who will take care of her with all her health problems. What do you think?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Do not let this woman rush you into making any commitment you may end up regretting. You should know her – and her health problems – for quite a while before you make any commitment to her. Keep on seeing her if you wish, but be sure she understands that you will not make any commitment to her until you have known each other for a long time. And if her heart problems are all that serious, she may not live that long.
Dear Queenie,
My husband talks dirty and grabs me whenever he feels like it, sometimes so hard it hurts. I’ve asked him not to do it, but he still does, even in front of our children.
I stay with him because I depend on him financially and because of the children.
Queenie, would you call this abuse? If so, what do you recommend?—Harassed wife
Dear Wife,
See your family doctor, with your husband, for the things that are painful for you. And consult a professional counsellor, with your husband if you can persuade him to go with you, about the other behaviour that makes you unhappy.
Dear Queenie,
I enjoy reading your columns, especially the more humorous ones.
Anyway, I’d like to hear your thoughts on a personal topic. What advice do you have for young people who grew up with highly religious parents and are now frightened to speak up for themselves as adults because they don’t want to “dishonor” their parents or have curses cast upon them because they want to be their own person, making decisions without guilt and shame?
Queenie, I look forward to hearing from you.—Tired church girl
Dear Church girl,
As long as you are living with your parents and presumably supported by them, you have an obligation to respect and abide by their religious beliefs and practices.
Once you are living on your own and are financially independent, you should be free to have and practise your own beliefs, but you should still have – and show! – respect for those of others, especially your parents. And I hope your parents will do the same for you if your beliefs differ from theirs in any way.
