Dear Queenie,
When my boss’ assistant went on vacation I subbed for her and he took me out to lunch a couple of times, not dates, just business lunches. I tried to call and keep her up to date on the job, but she never called me back.
When she got back she got mad at me and accused me of trying to steal her job, but that’s not true.
Queenie, how do I cope with all this?—Upset employee
Dear Employee,
Is it possible that your boss and his assistant also have a romantic relationship that she thought you were trying to move in on, and that is why she is so angry? If that is the case, it is up to your boss to make it clear to her that nothing unbusinesslike ever happened.
Just to keep the peace, you can apologise for offending her, but there is not much more you can do.
You might also remind her that you tried to call her while she was away and she never called you back, but I doubt she will want to hear about that.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine lost his job after Hurricane Irma so instead of buying him a gift I gave him some money for his birthday but I told him to use it for some special treat.
I found out later that he used it to pay some bills and when I said something to him about it he got mad and yelled at me that I had no idea how bad things were with him and what he used the money for was none of my business.
Queenie, was I wrong or was he?—Insulted friend
Dear Friend,
You were both wrong.
A gift, once given, belongs to the recipient to do with it as he pleases.
Apparently you had no idea just how bad things were for your friend, and your apparent lack of empathy just made things worse for him. He should not have gotten so angry that he yelled at you and he owes you an apology for that, but you owe him an apology for trying to tell him how to use the money you gave him.
Dear Queenie,
My wife died about a year ago after we were married for more than 30 years. Recently I met a lovely widow and I have fallen in love with her, but she thinks I am just lonely and looking to replace my late wife.
Queenie, how can I make her believe that we should not let our memories get in the way of our future happiness together?—Widower in love
Dear Widower,
Your lady friend may be right that you are lonely and mistaking companionship for love. Take time to let things develop and you both will know whether your relationship is the real thing.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been dating a very nice man for several months but he has a problem with the fact that a lot of my friends are men, not in a romantic way, but just friends and work colleagues and people in a group I volunteer with who are mostly men.
We have been talking about just seeing each other and no one else, but he says this would mean not having anything to do with any other men, which would mean I couldn’t go out for coffee with my work colleagues or do any volunteering with men (just with women would be okay with him, but not with men).
I would never cheat on him but I don’t want to give up all my outside activities, and he won’t consider doing volunteer work with me. He says I only do it to attract men, which is not true, but I can’t convince him of that.
Queenie, how can I get him to trust me?—Worried girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
This is not so much a matter of your being untrustworthy as of your boyfriend having serious insecurities. Professional counselling might help both of you – him to learn how to deal with his inability to trust you, and you to learn how to cope with it.
I agree with you that it would be good if your boyfriend would go with you to do your volunteer work. Such groups can always use all the help they can get. Could it be that he is not interested because they are mostly men and few, if any, women besides you? Maybe you should be wondering whether you can trust him?
Dear Queenie,
My parents were very strict with me when I was in high school. I had a strict curfew, couldn’t date anyone unless my parents met him and approved of him, and I couldn’t drink.
My husband’s parents let him stay out all night, drink until he got drunk and even do drugs.
Now my husband says when we have children the girl(s) will be raised like I was, but the boy(s) will be raised like him.
He says he turned out okay, but I say a lot of bad things could have happened to him.
Queenie, how do I tell him this without saying how stupid his parents were?—Worried mother-to-be
Dear Mother-to-be,
Your husband’s attitude goes against all good advice on parenting. All children, boys and girls alike, need discipline and fair restrictions.
If your husband will not listen to you, get counselling from a paediatrician and/or a good child psychologist – preferably before you have any children.
