Dear Queenie,
I have a friend I’ve known for years. We’ve celebrated birthdays together, supported each other through breakups, job changes, family drama, the full arc of adult life.
Lately, though, something has shifted.
Every time something good happens to me, she subtly diminishes it. This is hurtful for me. I am always happy for her. I am also supportive and even cheer her on publicly.
If I get a promotion, she mentions someone who climbed higher or faster. If I travel, she talks about a more exotic place she visited. If I share good news, she quickly pivots the conversation back to herself. If I mention a small achievement, she offers unsolicited “improvements” or reminds me how much harder things are for her.
There’s never outright criticism. No obvious insult. It’s all light, almost joking. But the pattern is steady.
I’ve started noticing that I hesitate before sharing good news with her. I downplay things. I edit myself. I don’t want to trigger whatever this is.
What confuses me most is that she is successful in her own right. She has a good job, travels often, and lives comfortably. So I don’t understand why my wins seem to make her uncomfortable.
It’s small things. But it’s constant.
Am I being overly sensitive? Or is this what envy looks like? — Unsure
Dear Unsure,
When something feels small but constant, it stops being small. It becomes a pattern.
What you describe isn’t open hostility, it’s comparison. And repeated comparison in response to your good news can carry a quiet edge of envy. Envy rarely announces itself loudly. More often it shows up as subtle one-upping, redirected conversations, or the need to rebalance attention.
The more important detail is your reaction. You’ve started editing yourself. Downplaying your joy. That is the cost.
Healthy friendships make space for celebration. A friend may tease lightly, but underneath there is pride and warmth. You should not have to shrink your wins to keep someone comfortable.
Before assuming the worst, test it gently. The next time she pivots, hold your ground: “I’m really proud of this.”
See what she does. Does she celebrate you? Or compete?
You’re not overly sensitive for wanting your joy to be received, not ranked, especially when you cheer her on personally and publicly.
Pay attention to how you feel after time with her. That feeling will tell you more than any label. — Queenie
