Dear Queenie,
Cake. I want you to know from the start this is about cake. Birthday cake and irritation.
It was my birthday recently. I am not big on celebration. Every darn day is made to celebrate. Let me get back to the cake. The Dutch custom is for people making birthday to bring cake to the office. Lots of people do it where I work. We eat cake for everything on an island with a highest diabetes rate in the Dutch Kingdom. But, who cares? Let’s eat cake!
Back to my irritation. It was my birthday. I was not in office for it nor was I there for like two weeks afterwards. I was on vacation then I was sicker than a mangy dog with a four pack of cigarettes a day cough. I was sick, sick.
I am now back to work. A few days ago, this colleague turns up at my office door asking when am I treating with cake or goodies. I mean really? I ignored her. I found out at lunch today (this is why I am writing you) that this colleague complained to anyone who would listen that I did not bring cake. She thinks I should be more considerate.
I want to tell her off in front of everyone. Queenie, I don’t want be unprofessional, but …
Dear Don’t want be unprofessional,
I can sense your heavy frustration from your words. I commend you for seeking insight and wanting to keep your professionalism. This is about cake after all.
You are justified in your irritation. It is up to you how you choose to mark such a personal milestone. That said, it seems to me you are dealing with a culture expectation. Your reference to “the Dutch custom” tells me this may not be your background.
Do not confront your colleague in anger. She may be speaking from her cultural reference point. In some offices, traditions become assumed obligations, even when they are not written rules.
However, what concerns me more than her asking about cake is her decision to complain to others. Discussing your choice with colleagues instead of speaking to you directly shifts this from cultural expectation to unprofessional behaviour. Office gossip over birthday cake is unnecessary and creates tension where none needed to exist.
Instead, find a quiet moment and calmly tell her the reason you did not follow the tradition, you are not big on milestones, you were unwell, or it was not in your budget. One thing well understood in Dutch society is frugality and budgeting.
If you were planning to treat with cake or other goodies, just not now, you may still do so. You can even make a light statement about why you waited.
It is your milestone. You should not be quietly bullied into treating. There are office traditions, though, and balance is a good thing. —Queenie
