Dear Queenie,
I need advice on a sensitive subject. My husband and I have been together for many years. We are still affectionate, still enjoy each other's company, and I love him dearly. Over the past couple of years, however, I have noticed changes in our intimate life. Sometimes things work. Sometimes they don't. What concerns me more is that he seems to have stopped trying altogether. If intimacy starts heading in that direction and he feels things are not cooperating, he quickly changes the subject, finds something else to do, or suddenly remembers an urgent task. I don't make a fuss when it happens because I know it must be difficult for him. But I miss that part of our relationship. Recently, I found myself wondering whether a conversation about Viagra or similar medication might help. The problem is that my husband is proud. Very proud. The kind of man who still carries heavy things he should not be carrying and refuses to ask for directions even when we are clearly lost. I worry that suggesting medication will sound like: "You are old." "You are failing." "You are not enough." That is not what I mean at all. I simply want us to have options. Queenie, how does a wife suggest a little pharmaceutical assistance without starting World War Three in the bedroom? —Trying to Help, Not Hurt
Dear Trying to Help, Not Hurt,
You are approaching this as a medical issue. There is a good chance your husband is experiencing it as an identity issue. And those are two very different conversations. For many men, erections are not just about sex. They become tangled up with ideas about masculinity, aging, vitality, and self-worth. So when difficulties arise, some men do not hear: "Let's find a solution." They hear: "You are no longer the man you used to be." That is why so many avoid the conversation entirely. Now, let me tell you something important. The fact that your husband is avoiding intimacy may actually be a sign that he cares deeply. Many men become so afraid of disappointment or embarrassment that they withdraw before there is any possibility of either. The avoidance becomes a form of self-protection. Which means your real challenge is not introducing Viagra. It is reducing shame. Do not lead with medication. Do not lead with performance. And for the love of all things holy, do not slide a brochure across the breakfast table. Instead, start with the relationship. Something like: "I miss being close to you." Notice the difference. That conversation is about connection. Not function. If the discussion develops naturally, you can talk about how common these changes are and how many couples explore options together. And remember: Medication is not an admission of failure. It is no different from reading glasses, hearing aids, or blood pressure medicine. The goal is not to prove anything. The goal is to enjoy life. Together. And if your husband eventually decides to speak with his doctor, frame it as taking care of his health, not fixing a defect. Because the strongest marriages are not the ones where bodies never change. They are the ones where couples adapt to those changes without losing their sense of humour or their affection. —Queenie
