Dear Queenie,
I love my wife. I tolerate our pets. There is a difference. My wife believes the bed should be a welcoming place for every living creature in the household. We have two dogs, including a Golden Retriever who sheds enough fur annually to knit a second Golden Retriever. We also have three cats. Every night, all five animals join us in bed. My wife is in absolute bliss. I am not. I sleep terribly. The dogs take up space, snore, and occasionally release biological weapons into the atmosphere. The cats seem to regard me as an unwelcome guest. If I move too suddenly, I get a look that suggests I am one wrong move away from needing stitches. The fur situation has become so extreme that I find pet hair in places where no pet hair should ever be. Ever. I have suggested that perhaps, just perhaps, the animals could sleep elsewhere. My wife looks at me as if I have proposed abandoning them at sea. I even tried sleeping in another room. That lasted two nights. Apparently, she cannot sleep without me, and according to her, "only separated people sleep apart." So now I am back in bed with what feels like a small petting zoo. Queenie, how do I convince my wife that wanting a fur-free sleeping environment does not mean I hate animals? —Outnumbered at Bedtime
Dear Outnumbered at Bedtime,
First, let me congratulate you. Many people share their bed with a spouse. You have somehow become part of a six-species sleep arrangement. Now, let us establish something important. This is not really a pet issue. It is a sleep issue. And sleep is not a luxury. It is a health requirement. When one partner sleeps poorly night after night, it becomes a relationship issue because exhaustion eventually affects patience, mood, health, and happiness. Your wife sees comfort. You experience crowding. Neither of you is wrong. You simply have different definitions of what constitutes a restful night's sleep. The challenge is that pet lovers often hear: "Get the animals out of the bed." As: "I don't love the animals."
Those are not the same statement. You are not asking her to rehome the pets. You are asking for room to exist in your own mattress. A reasonable request. The solution is likely compromise, not victory. Perhaps one dog is allowed on the bed but not two. Perhaps the cats get a luxury pet bed beside the bed. Perhaps the Golden Retriever receives a promotion to a plush sleeping station on the floor. What is not sustainable is one partner sleeping badly while the other dismisses the problem. And as for the claim that only separated people sleep in different rooms? Nonsense. Many happily married couples occasionally sleep separately because of snoring, shift work, illness, temperature preferences, or, in your case, a livestock population. The quality of a marriage is not measured by how many mammals occupy the mattress. It is measured by whether both people are rested enough to enjoy each other the next morning. And dear sir, if you are finding Golden Retriever fur in your most private regions, the conversation is already overdue. —Queenie
