Dear Queenie,
I am confused by a situation at work. I have a co-worker with whom I used to get along very well. We joked around, chatted throughout the day, and generally had a comfortable friendship. Nothing inappropriate. Nothing flirtatious. Just two colleagues who genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Then things started changing. At first, it was subtle. Fewer conversations. Less joking. More distance. Now, he barely speaks to me unless it is strictly work-related. He avoids lingering conversations and seems to make a point of keeping things formal. The thing I keep coming back to is something that happened at an office function where partners were invited. He attended with his partner, and during the evening she said something that stuck with me: "He always comes home talking about you." At the time, everyone laughed. But looking back, I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable. His partner comes from a cultural background where relationships can be quite traditional, and from what I observed, she seemed somewhat possessive. Since then, I have wondered whether she may have objected to our friendship. Of course, I have no proof. For all I know, something completely unrelated is going on in his life. But the timing makes me curious. Queenie, should I ask what happened, or accept that some workplace friendships simply fade without explanation? —Left on Read in Real Life
Dear Left on Read in Real Life,
The uncomfortable truth is that you may never know the real reason. And the human brain hates that. We are story-making creatures. When someone suddenly changes behaviour, we immediately begin looking for clues. In your case, the comment from the partner stands out because it offers a plausible explanation. But plausible is not the same as proven. Could a partner have expressed discomfort? Certainly. Many people are perfectly comfortable hearing about a co-worker once or twice. Hearing about the same co-worker every evening is a different matter. Even when the relationship is completely innocent, a partner may begin to wonder: "Who is this person I keep hearing about?" And sometimes people respond to those concerns by creating distance. Not because they did anything wrong. But because preserving peace at home becomes the priority. However, there are many other possibilities. Perhaps he sensed feelings developing on his side and pulled back. Perhaps he thought you were becoming uncomfortable. Perhaps he is dealing with personal issues, workplace stress, or something you know nothing about. The danger is becoming attached to one explanation simply because it is the only one available. Now, should you ask? Only if the relationship was significant enough to justify the conversation. A simple: "I've noticed we've become more distant lately. I hope everything is okay." is perfectly reasonable. Notice that this invites honesty without accusing anyone. What I would not do is mention the partner or your theory. Because if your guess is wrong, you risk creating awkwardness where none existed. And if your guess is right, he is unlikely to confirm: "Yes, my partner got jealous and I was ordered to retreat." Some truths remain unspoken. The important thing is this: Do not automatically assume you did something wrong. Sometimes people step back from relationships for reasons that have little to do with the other person. And sometimes the greatest mystery in an office is not who stole the lunch from the fridge. It is why a perfectly good friendship quietly disappeared. —Queenie
