Dear Queenie,
I am beginning to suspect that my husband has a secret second family. Before you jump to conclusions, hear me out. Every time I buy a snack and put it away for later, it disappears. Chocolate? Gone. Potato chips? Gone. The fancy imported cookies I specifically bought for myself? Missing in action. When confronted, my husband claims he has no knowledge of these events. His favorite response is: "I only took one." One what? One package? One sleeve? One entire family-sized bag? Recently, I bought a box of twelve chocolates and hid them behind frozen vegetables. Two days later, I found the empty box neatly returned to the freezer. Empty. The disrespect nearly took me out. Now I have started hiding snacks throughout the house like a fugitive. I have a decoy cookie tin. A secret chocolate drawer. And an emergency candy stash at work. Queenie, am I married to a snack thief? Or is this simply the "for better or worse" part of marriage nobody talks about? —Living with the Cookie Bandit
Dear Living with the Cookie Bandit,
First of all, your husband absolutely did it. The empty chocolate box returned to the freezer is not the work of a criminal mastermind. It is the work of a man who believes if the evidence remains in the house, nobody can accuse him of removing it. This is flawed logic. But surprisingly common. Now, every long-term relationship eventually encounters one of these household crimes: the missing snacks. the disappearing leftovers, the mysterious sip taken from every drink, and the person who eats the last piece and leaves the empty container behind. These are not acts of malice. They are acts of convenience mixed with optimism. Your husband likely believes that because you are married, all snacks belong to both of you. You, meanwhile, understand that marriage does not eliminate personal property rights over premium chocolate. The solution is simple. Establish categories. Shared Snacks and Touch This and Face Consequences Snacks. Label if necessary. And if that fails, continue your current witness protection program for cookies. Because while love may be unconditional... The last piece of imported chocolate is not. —Queenie
