Dear Queenie,
I enjoy watching pornography. There, I said it. I always have. For me, it is not about replacing a partner. It is fantasy. It turns me on, makes me feel sexy, and helps me explore things in my imagination that I may never want to experience in real life. Recently, however, I started a new relationship and things are becoming serious. Part of me wants to share this side of myself with my partner. The problem is that I am worried about how he will react. I am a woman, and there is still this strange assumption that women either do not watch porn or should not admit to enjoying it. To make matters even more awkward, my preferred fantasy involves reverse harem scenarios. Now I am afraid he will hear that and immediately think: "She wants multiple men." The truth is far less dramatic. I enjoy the fantasy. I enjoy the imagination. But fantasy and reality are not the same thing. I would love to invite him into that part of my world, but I am terrified of being judged. Queenie, do I speak up or keep my trio dreams to myself? —Fantasy and Reality Are Not Twins
Dear Fantasy and Reality Are Not Twins,
Let us begin with a truth many adults eventually discover: Fantasy is not a to-do list. People fantasize about all sorts of things they have absolutely no interest in pursuing in real life. The purpose of fantasy is often exploration, not execution. So the fact that you enjoy a particular scenario in your imagination does not automatically mean you want to recreate it. Now, regarding your partner. The question is not whether you should immediately present him with a detailed catalogue of your viewing habits. The question is whether you want a relationship where you can be known. Because that is what this is really about. You are not asking: "Should I tell him I watch porn?" You are asking: "Can I trust him with something that feels vulnerable?" That is a much bigger question. And the answer depends on where the relationship is. If things are becoming serious, there is nothing wrong with gradually sharing aspects of your inner world. Notice I said gradually. You do not need to begin with: "Sit down, darling, we need to discuss my entire fantasy library." You can start more simply: "I think people often assume women don't enjoy visual fantasy, but I've always been pretty open-minded about it." See how the conversation develops. His reaction will tell you a great deal. And if you do eventually share more, remember this: A mature partner understands the difference between: fantasy and intention, imagination and desire, and curiosity and action. If he cannot distinguish between those things, then the issue is not your fantasy. It is his understanding of human nature. And finally, dear reader: Some of the most proper-looking people have the most creative imaginations. Never judge a book by its cardigan. —Queenie
