Dear Queenie,
I am in my twenties and recently discovered something that has left me with more questions than answers. While looking through some family documents, I realized that my parents were married only a few months before I was born. I also know I was not premature. The math is mathing. The thing is, I had never really thought about it before. My parents are now divorced, and I suddenly find myself wondering if they got married because of me. Were they in love and planning to marry anyway? Or did an unexpected pregnancy speed things up? The more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel. Part of me wants to ask. Part of me worries about opening old wounds or learning something that changes how I see my childhood. And then there is this lingering fear: What if I was the reason two people entered a marriage that was never meant to last? Queenie, should I ask my parents about my origins, or leave the past where it belongs? —Doing the Family Math
Dear Doing the Family Math,
First, let me relieve you of one burden immediately. You did not cause your parents' marriage. And you certainly did not cause their divorce. Adults make decisions. Adults choose whether to marry. Adults choose whether to stay married. Those choices belong to them. Not to the baby who happened to arrive along the way. Now, as for your discovery: You have stumbled upon one of humanity's oldest family secrets. The "wedding timeline" that becomes very interesting once somebody starts counting backwards. And let me tell you something. You are far from alone. Many loving, successful marriages began with an unexpected pregnancy. Many troubled marriages began with a carefully planned wedding. And every possible combination exists in between. The timing tells you very little about the quality of the relationship. What I hear underneath your question is something deeper. You are not really asking: "Was I conceived before the wedding?" You are asking: "What was the truth of my parents' relationship?" That is a perfectly reasonable question for an adult child to have. And yes, if your relationship with your parents is healthy enough, you can ask. Not as an investigator. Not as a prosecutor. But as an adult seeking family history. You may discover a funny story. You may discover a complicated one. You may even discover that everyone knew except you. Families are like that. Just be prepared for the possibility that your parents remember the past differently. Relationships are lived from two perspectives, and the truth often sits somewhere in the middle. Most importantly, stop carrying responsibility for decisions made before you could even hold your own head up. You were the child. They were the adults. That remains true no matter what the calendar says. —Queenie
