Dear Queenie,
I have a colleague who is always suffering from something. Not ordinary things either. Every week seems to bring a new and slightly mysterious ailment. A strange pain behind one eye. An unexplained tingling in one arm. A stomach that "doesn't feel right." A headache that apparently begins somewhere around her shoulder. Something swollen that wasn't swollen yesterday. And she comes to work with all of it. By 9:30am we will hear: "I really feel like I should go home." But she doesn't go. Then: "I don't know how I'm going to make it through today." Still there. By lunchtime: "If I didn't have so much work, I would leave." Yet somehow she never leaves. Instead, we receive regular medical bulletins throughout the day. She sighs. She groans. She tells us what hurts now. We suggest she see a doctor. She says she doesn't have time. We suggest she go home. She has too much work. We suggest she take a sick day tomorrow. Apparently that is impossible because the entire organization may collapse in her absence. I'm beginning to suspect she doesn't actually want solutions. She wants witnesses. I don't want to be insensitive because perhaps she genuinely doesn't feel well. But listening to someone announce for eight hours that they shouldn't be at work is exhausting. Queenie, how many times am I required to say "You should go home" before I am officially released from duty? —Sick of Hearing About It
Dear Sick of Hearing About It,
I think you've diagnosed the condition. Your colleague may indeed be unwell. But she is also suffering from a severe case of Workplace Martyrdom. Symptoms include: Constantly announcing how terrible you feel. Refusing all sensible suggestions. Repeatedly mentioning your enormous workload. And making absolutely certain everyone knows that despite being moments from collapse... you still came to work. There is often an unspoken message beneath all of this: "Look how dedicated I am." And perhaps she is. But dedication loses some of its sparkle when everyone within a ten-metre radius has to participate in it. Still, resist the temptation to decide whether her ailments are real. You aren't her doctor. Some health problems are recurring, difficult to diagnose or simply strange. The problem you actually need to manage is the running commentary. So stop trying to solve it. The next time she says: "I really feel like going home." Say: "Maybe you should." If she responds: "But I have too much work." Try: "You 'll have to decide what's best." And then return to whatever you were doing. No diagnosis. No twenty-minute discussion. No third suggestion. You have officially handed responsibility for her body back to its owner. Because there is another possibility here. Your attention may have become part of the ritual. She announces an ailment. Everyone expresses concern. She explains how serious it is. Everyone tells her to rest. She explains why she possibly cannot. The cycle is complete. Stop completing it. Be kind. Be civil. But don't become the office triage nurse. And if she truly is experiencing persistent or unusual symptoms, encourage her once to seek proper medical attention rather than relying on the collective expertise of Accounting, HR and whoever happens to be standing near the coffee machine. Most importantly, remember: If someone repeatedly tells you they should go home... you are allowed to believe them. You just don't have to drive them there. —Queenie
