Dear Queenie,
I have a bad habit of having entire conversations about myself that I wasn’t actually invited to. Let me explain. There are a few people in my extended circle who, years ago, said some pretty unpleasant things about me. I know they said them because some of it got back to me. Relationships have moved on since then. We are civil. There hasn’t been any recent confrontation or new incident that I know about. But apparently my brain did not receive the memo. If I know these people have been around mutual friends, I start wondering: What did they say about me? If someone behaves slightly differently towards me: Did they tell them something? If I hear that everyone was together somewhere: I bet my name came up. The ridiculous thing is that I usually have absolutely no evidence. I’m taking things they actually said years ago and using them to write imaginary conversations they’re supposedly having today. Sometimes I even mentally prepare my defence. A defence against what? I don’t know! I tell myself I don’t care what they think. Clearly some part of me does. Queenie, how do I stop allowing people who aren’t even in the room to take up so much room in my head? —Arguing With Ghosts
Dear Arguing With Ghosts,
Your problem is not entirely imaginary. That’s important. Someone really did speak badly about you. You learned that your name could enter rooms before you did. So now your brain is trying to protect you by keeping watch. Unfortunately, your internal security officer has become a little overenthusiastic. Every gathering is suspicious. Every changed expression is evidence. Every silence needs an explanation. And before you know it, you’ve investigated, prosecuted and defended yourself in a case that may not exist. Here’s the distinction you need: What you know versus what you fear. You know things were said in the past. You fear they’re still being said. Those are not the same fact. And you cannot respond to the second as though it were the first. Perhaps they still talk about you. That’s possible. But here’s the uncomfortable question: What exactly are you planning to do about conversations you aren’t present for? You cannot patrol every living room, WhatsApp chat and Sunday lunch where your name might come up. Nor should you want to. If someone brings you something specific – “So-and-so said this about you yesterday” – then you can decide whether it deserves a response. Until then, don’t defend yourself against rumours you haven’t heard. And be careful with mutual friends who constantly report what others supposedly say about you. Sometimes the healthiest sentence in the world is: “Unless it’s something I genuinely need to know, please don't bring it back to me.” You may also need to accept something none of us particularly likes: Some people have a version of you in their heads that you will never be able to correct. Let them. The people who actually know you have their own evidence. And anyone willing to form an opinion about you entirely from somebody else’s old grievance probably wasn’t waiting for your side of the story anyway. So when your mind starts writing another imaginary conversation, interrupt it: Do I know this happened? If the answer is no, close the case. You have real problems that deserve your energy. Don’t exhaust yourself solving imaginary ones. And whatever they’re saying at that imaginary gathering... I hope imaginary you at least had the good sense to order a drink. —Queenie
