Dear Queenie,
I have a Facebook mystery I need solved. I know a married couple who share one Facebook account. Let’s call them John and Maria. The account is literally John and Maria Smith. One profile picture. One Messenger inbox. One comment section. One digital identity. This creates problems. If “John and Maria” likes my photo, who liked it? If they comment, “Beautiful!”, was that John or Maria? If I send a private message saying, “Girl, you wouldn’t believe what happened last night,” am I telling Maria… or am I telling John? Sometimes I’ll be chatting through Messenger assuming it’s her, only to discover halfway through that I've been talking to him. What really puzzles me is why. Facebook accounts are free. They own separate phones. They have separate e-mail addresses. They are two distinct human beings. So why have they merged themselves into one Facebook citizen? I’m almost afraid to message either of them because apparently marriage means there are no closed doors in Messenger. Queenie, is sharing a Facebook account romantic, practical, suspicious – or just plain weird? —Who Am I Talking To?
Dear Who Am I Talking To?,
Once upon a time, marriage meant sharing a home. Then came joint bank accounts. Joint mortgages. Family phone plans. And somewhere along the way, somebody apparently decided: “You know what else we should share? A Facebook identity.” I have questions too. Because when JohnandMaria wishes me happy birthday, I would like to know which half of the corporation remembered. That said, couples have all sorts of reasons for doing this. Some genuinely don’t use social media enough to justify separate accounts. Some see Facebook primarily as a place to keep up with relatives and post family photographs. And yes... Sometimes a joint account appears after somebody’s individual account caused a little too much excitement. Queenie is not saying that’s what happened here. Queenie is simply aware that the road from John Smith to John and Maria Smith occasionally has an interesting backstory. But here’s the important part. Their shared account is their business. Your privacy is yours. If you don’t know who’s reading, don’t send anything through that account that you wouldn’t comfortably say to both of them. Want to tell Maria something personal? Call her. WhatsApp her directly. Meet for coffee. Do not send: “Please don’t tell John...” to an inbox John apparently co-owns. And if you’re already chatting and aren’t sure who’s typing? Ask. “Is this John or Maria?” Perfectly reasonable. Because marriage may involve two becoming one. But Queenie is fairly certain the Bible wasn’t talking about Facebook profiles. So let JohnandMaria live happily ever after in their little digital kingdom. Just remember: If you message one... assume you’ve messaged both. —Queenie
