Dear Queenie,
My husband’s best friend has a new girlfriend. Again. In the years my husband and I have been married, this is his third “serious” relationship. The first two were marriages. I never particularly connected with Wife Number One. Wife Number Two and I developed a pleasant relationship, but I wouldn’t say we became friends. If we see each other now, we’re friendly and chat for a while. Now there is Girlfriend Number Three. She is considerably younger than him, they live together, and apparently this relationship is serious too. Here’s my problem. My husband wants me to make an effort with her. He keeps suggesting that I invite her over, take her out, include her when I’m doing things and generally make her feel welcome. But... why? His best friend is his friend. I’ve never been particularly close to the man himself, so I don’t understand why every time he gets a new partner, I’m apparently responsible for the Ladies’ Auxiliary. I will absolutely be polite. If the four of us go to dinner, I’ll make conversation. If she’s at our house, I’ll welcome her. If I see her somewhere, I’ll say hello. I have nothing against this woman. I just don’t feel any desire to manufacture a friendship simply because our partners are friends. My husband says it would make socialising easier and that she’s new to the circle, so I should make an effort. I say friendship isn’t an assigned seating arrangement. Queenie, am I being unfriendly, or can I finally retire from onboarding my husband’s best friend’s romantic partners? —Not Accepting Applications
Dear Not Accepting Applications,
You are a wife. You are not the Relationship Welcome Committee. There is an odd expectation in some couples that when two men are friends, their wives or girlfriends should automatically become friends too. Sometimes it works beautifully. The men introduce you, you discover you genuinely like each other, and eventually your friendship exists completely independently of theirs. Other times you spend an entire dinner desperately searching for a second thing to say after: “So ... how did you two meet?” Friendship requires chemistry too. And you cannot manufacture it simply because the seating plan would be more convenient for your husband. That said, I do think your husband has one reasonable point. She’s entering an established social circle. A little warmth would be kind. But warmth is not the same as adopting her. Invite the couple over. Include her in group plans. Talk to her. Give her a genuine opportunity to become someone you might like. Then let whatever develops happen naturally. What I wouldn’t do is start arranging one-on-one lunches and outings simply because your husband wants his social life to run more smoothly. Especially when you don’t even have an independent friendship with his best friend. And try not to hold the previous relationships against the new girlfriend. She didn’t marry him twice and get divorced twice. He did. From her perspective, this may be the relationship that lasts for the next thirty years. So don’t mentally label her Temporary Girlfriend Number Three and refuse to learn her surname. But neither do you need to audition for Best Friend’s Partner’s Best Friend.
Your responsibility is courtesy. Friendship is optional. And if your husband is particularly concerned that his best friend’s new girlfriend needs someone to take her out and make her feel welcome... there is excellent news. He already knows her boyfriend. The two of them can organise something for all four of you. —Queenie
