Dear Queenie,
I have a professional acquaintance who keeps accepting invitations and then cancelling at almost the last minute. Recently, I invited her to meet with a professional group I am involved with. This wasn't a casual: "Come by if you're free." We specifically put her on the agenda. The other members knew she was coming. Time was allocated for the discussion. Everyone was prepared. Then, shortly before the meeting, she cancelled. She was very apologetic and had a reason. Fine. Things happen. Except this isn't the first time. She has done similar things before, which is why I wasn't entirely surprised. Now she has contacted me again, apologized and asked if she can attend our next meeting instead. My immediate thought was: So you can cancel that one too? Obviously, I didn't say that. I don't want to be rude or damage a professional relationship. She is pleasant, and I have no personal issue with her. But I also don't want to put her on another agenda, tell everyone she's coming and rearrange a meeting around her when experience tells me there is a good chance she won't show up. If I say no, it seems petty. If I say yes, I feel like I'm volunteering the entire group for another round of waiting. Queenie, how do you professionally disinvite someone who has technically invited herself back? —Not Saving the Date Again
Dear Not Saving the Date Again,
There is an important difference between: Something came up. And: Something always comes up. The first deserves understanding. The second requires planning. You don't need to decide whether her reasons are legitimate. They may all be completely genuine. But reliability isn't measured by the quality of the explanation. It's measured by whether the person reliably does what they committed to do. And your problem isn't really that she cancelled. It's that her commitment affects other people's time. She wasn't meeting you for coffee. A group adjusted its agenda specifically to accommodate her. That changes things. So don't disinvite her. Simply stop scheduling around her. You can say: "Thanks for getting back to me. Given the group's upcoming agenda, I'd prefer not to schedule another dedicated slot just yet. When we have a suitable opportunity, I'll reach out and we can see whether the timing works." Perfectly professional. No accusation. No: "You always cancel." No spreadsheet documenting her previous offences. And importantly, no new date. If there is a future meeting where her attendance would genuinely be useful, you can invite her again, but perhaps without building the meeting around her. Or, if appropriate, ask her to confirm closer to the date before putting her formally on the agenda. Professional courtesy works both ways. You should be understanding when someone genuinely cannot attend. They should understand that repeatedly cancelling has consequences for how confidently others can schedule them. And if she presses you with: "But I'd really love to come to the next meeting..." you don't have to invent an excuse. Simply say the agenda is already being developed and you'll contact her when there is an appropriate opening. Then leave it there. Sometimes boundaries don't need a confrontation. They just need a change in procedure. She hasn't been banned. She hasn't been insulted. She simply no longer gets a reserved seat until you're reasonably confident there will be someone sitting in it. —Queenie
