Dear Queenie,
I have a friend who has a strange habit of turning simple questions into entire conversations I never intended to have. Recently, I asked her: "What kind of Mahjong do you play?" That was literally the question. Another friend had told me she was learning Mahjong. I mentioned that I knew someone who played, and she asked me which version my friend plays. I didn't know. So I asked. My friend told me she plays Chinese Mahjong. Excellent. Question answered. Except we weren't finished. I then learned which version of Mahjong she doesn't like, why she doesn't like it, who tends to play that version, where they play, that lessons are available, how much they cost, what time of day they're held and that the price includes a snack, coffee, tea or water. Then she offered to teach me Chinese Mahjong herself. Queenie... I don't want to learn Mahjong. I wasn't researching Mahjong. I wasn't choosing between Chinese Mahjong and any other version. I was merely the middleman in a conversation between two people who actually care about Mahjong. So I replied that I hadn't said I wanted to learn. I explained that someone else was learning, I'd mentioned her, and the question about which version came up. Afterwards, I wondered whether I sounded irritated. I was. This isn't the first time she has done this. Ask where she bought something and you get a shopping consultation. Ask whether she's been to a restaurant and question. Queenie, am I being unnecessarily snippy, or is there a polite way to say: "Please answer only the Mahjong question actually before you"? —Not Joining the Mahjong Club
Dear Not Joining the Mahjong Club,
Some people hear a question. Other people hear an opening presentation. You asked: "What kind of Mahjong do you play?" Your friend apparently heard: "Please introduce me to the wonderful world of Mahjong, compare the available versions, explain the local social scene, provide tuition costs and refreshments, then facilitate my entry into the sport." That's quite a lot of responsibility for one question mark. But I don't think your friend necessarily meant to irritate you. Some people communicate by anticipating everything they think you're going to ask next. They believe they're being helpful. Why wait for you to ask where the lessons are? She can tell you now. How much? Already covered. Refreshments? Coffee, tea, water and a snack! You came for one answer and accidentally received the brochure. There's also a common assumption underneath this kind of conversation: If you're asking about something, you must be interested in doing it yourself. Not necessarily. Sometimes I want to know where you bought your shoes. I do not want to buy the shoes. Sometimes I ask what you're eating. I don't need the recipe. And sometimes I ask what version of Mahjong you play... because somebody asked me what version of Mahjong you play. So was your response a little sharp? Possibly. But it also corrected a misunderstanding. Next time, you can save yourself some irritation by putting the context into the original question: "X is learning Mahjong and asked which version you play. What should I tell her?" That gives your friend fewer conversational roads to travel down. Although I make no guarantees. You may still receive the history of Chinese Mahjong, directions to the lessons and a complete snack inventory. In which case, take the answer you needed and leave the rest. You don't have to attend every conversation you're invited to. And whatever happens... at least now you know there's coffee.—Queenie
