Dear Queenie,
I don’t usually writing and things, but this one serious. My girlfriend want to be in Carnival. As a man, I against it. Too much flesh out. Panty on the road. Whole world watching. Man looking. Taking picture. I don’t like that. Her body is for me to love up. I don’t want other man seeing how she sweat, how she move. That is for me. She is my woman. She say is just fun. Culture. Celebration. But I not seeing it so. Now she even had the guts to ask me to sponsor she costume. Sponsor? So I must pay for other man to watch my woman in beads and feathers? I don’t feel that right. I tell she already how I feel. I is she man. She should respect that. Queenie, talk straight. Am I wrong here? —Not Having It
Dear Not Having It,
You are not wrong for how you feel. But you are wrong in what you believe those feelings entitle you to do. Let’s start with your language, because it matters. “I is she man.” “She should listen to me.” “Her body is for me.” That is not protection. That is ownership. And those are not the same thing. You are speaking from a place many men understand: pride, jealousy, protectiveness. Carnival in Sint Maarten is not quiet. It is visible, expressive, and yes, revealing. You are not imagining that. But your girlfriend is not a possession you “sponsor” or restrict. She is an adult choosing how she wants to experience her culture. Carnival is not about other men. It is about music, freedom, expression, and for many women, confidence and joy in their own bodies. If your concern is respect, then understand this: Respect is not control. Respect is conversation, boundaries, and trust. You can say: “I feel uncomfortable with how exposed Carnival can be.” That is valid. What is not valid is: “You cannot do it because I am your man.” That approach will not bring respect. It will create resistance. As for the costume, no, you do not have to sponsor anything you are uncomfortable with. That is your boundary. But she also does not have to shrink her life to fit your comfort. So now you both have a real decision to make: Can you respect her choices without trying to control them? And can she respect your feelings without giving up her autonomy? Because Carnival is only a few days. But how you handle this? That will last much longer. —Queenie
