Dear Editor,
Mindfulness is consciousness. It is the opposite of functioning on auto-pilot. It is the best way to regain self-respect in a world that is continuously telling you what to do and how to behave. If your mind is malfunctioned by echoing the voice of "authority" of what to do and how to behave, mindfulness practice could centre you to your true self that you may regain trust in your intuition. There are some people who may want to use caution or better yet a mindfulness guide to starting a practice; these are people who have been sexually molested/abused and severe mental illness that have suffered any psychotic episodes.
I would also like to thank all the kind people who have taken the time to give me feedback on these articles. I also will do my best to shorten them and give more examples to clarify what I'm talking about. For the persons confused to whom my audience is, then I would say if you can understand what I wrote, it's for you and that's all. As one in five of us are going to be mentally "off" at some point, let's be mindful and compassionate about who's in the room with us. Oppositional traits are usually seen in disorders like antisocial personality disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), conduct disorder (CD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP) and bipolar disorder (BD). I chose this trait as point of discussion because many parents talk about their very strong-will child and they are confusing what a strong will looks like as opposed to an oppositional will. Many kids and some adults who's neurological makeup has fallen short of perfection may often be characterized as stubborn, oppositional, cheeky, insolent, spoiled and of course "wilful." Parents often see their child as some mean spirited jackal from hell, a wicked thing or even "evil child" (you know the kids I'm talking about, you might have been one of those kids). However, on a more serious note, parents fear that this deep-rooted negative trait in their children's personality may hinder chances of success. Dr. Gabor Mate thinks the truth is more complicated than that but also leaves more ground for optimism. "Oppositionality" cannot come out of nowhere, it is always a response to something. The child is usually in opposition to goings on/rules in the adult world (did I just hear you say too bad for him/her?). If we are to define "will" as the capacity that enables a person to know what he wants and to hold to that goal regardless of setbacks, difficulties and distractions, then have another look at your strong-will child because rigid, obsessive clinging to a desire may resemble will in its persistence, but has nothing in common with it. Rigid, obsessive clinging rules your child, a strong-willed child is in command of his intentions. Oppositionalilty, says Dr. Gabor, "is not an expression of will it is an "absence of will," it allows a person to react but not act from a free and conscious process of decision making." Say, 12 year-old Sheila decides she doesn't want to go to swimming class today, the more you the parent ask politely that she gets ready, the more she digs her heals in. Common phrases of Oppositionality and counter-will are: "you ain't the boss of me" or "you can't make me", or "I don't want to", and "you're always telling me what to do." Some kids enjoy putting up the "keep out" sign on the bedroom door or with younger children the hands over the ears gesture to keep you the parent from mind controlling them. Oppositionality or counter-will is there only because there is a threat and the child is threatened because a strong sense of her own self has not developed sufficiently. It is important to understand that counter-will in personalities that suffer from oppositionality traits is affected by environmental stimulus (say an argument that happened before or a grating sound or a contemptuous face could all be a turnoff for this child or person.) Any force or pressure, no matter how good the intention, will generate counter-will, says Dr. Neufeld; the weaker the child – or, for that matter, the adult – is psychologically, the more automatic and rigid the counter-will response becomes. A strong unconscious defence indicates a weak, undeveloped will. So rather than being too powerful, the inner core of self, the true will, is stunted. Because oppositionality comes with underdeveloped sense of self-regulation, poor impulse control makes the child say or act in ways that seem like deliberate rudeness (and you know we can't tolerate that down here.) Though the phenomenon of counter-will is a fairly neglected topic in the behavioural sciences it gives insight into development of many kids with tendencies to oppositional disorders and its role there when it has been maladjusted. It is triggered whenever a child senses that the parent wants it to do something more than the child wants it. The solution would take for us to see the dynamics that are playing out, take a step back and recognize that this is not about us or about the child/person wanting to be rude, but to understand that the long-term psychological growth of that person should be invested in.
These days, children's neurological make-up requires that more attention be paid to the individual needs of their brain development. This is a matter of survival, not a privilege or entitlement. Indeed we may go ahead and build that 100 million dollar Jurassic Park that was in the planning. Be mindful of who is in the room with you.
Debbie Zwanikken
