Dear Editor,
Mindfulness allows us to bear witness to our experiences. We get an opportunity to watch ourselves and tell ourselves stories on the experience, whether we judge, criticize, lament, etc. We validate that our mind is doing this. Sometimes mindfulness gives us a couple of moments to recognize that we are reacting as opposed to responding to a situation. If we are flooded (emotionally overwhelmed) and can stay with the experience, mindfulness will give us insight to the crux of the matter.
The emotion of shame is a result of not living up to personal ideals, it is a feeling of fear that one isn't good enough and is about to be found out at any moment. Shame shuts down one's growth and any real chance of maturing. It keeps one in the closet; it is enslaving. Shame is felt in the whole body, but particularly in the upper body; the face, shoulder and chest area. Let's say a child going through a growth spurt urinates in bed; an older sibling finds out about it and starts to tease this growing sibling. If the response from the growing child is: "It wasn't me!" Then shame is present.
Shame makes us lie, lie, lie, and then deny, deny, deny (be cautious of overly-stubborn personalities that give no explanation, or that refuse to listen). The more a person practices the I-didn't-do-it" lie; the greater ingrained the feeling of shame. Shame's first and closest cousin is blame, but we'll discuss that another time.
You have overt and covert shame. Overt is the obvious shaming you see in families, classrooms and businesses. The ridiculing and judging that people do to show their superiority over others in the presence of bystanders (spouses in front of children, teachers towards the usual suspects in front of others, bosses wield this around by callously comparing or pointing out inadequacies in front of clients or colleagues.
Covert shame gives one the feeling of being abandoned, neglected, ignored, disconnected and separated from another person or the group (think of the single mothers whose fatherless children (no time/no money/and no support from the society feel). It is 'crazy making' and one of its most troubling effects is that often we aren't aware that shaming is the culprit.
Using shame as a motivational tool may seem effective, as behaviours may change quicker than with kindness. However, it is suppressive by its nature and can cause people to shut down and distrust. It is probably the key ingredient in societies that do not express their dissatisfaction of leadership and therefore will not engage in much-needed conversations and feedback needed for progress. Shaming can be used as a weapon to keep others in check.
Imagine sharing with loved one information about your vulnerabilities to later have that same sacred information used to shame you. Even if an apology is given, it still leaves one feeling distrust in that relationship; shaming comments leave scars. In fact, bullies or abusers are extremely 'shame-prone' (though they have high self-esteem) they are just afraid that they may be exposed.
In her books Daring Greatly and The gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, who is lead researcher in shame and empathy says, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
"Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them— we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare." The opposite of shame, says Brene, is wholeheartedness; however, one would first have to start exploring 'shame-resilience' to get to wholeheartedness.
Brene's explanation of shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it. Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy— the real antidote to shame. The usual response for men to shame is: pissed off or shut down. In relationships, women usually are provocative and up on their high horse, when they feel shamed by neglect or invalidated. (I could go on about this but...)
Calling all parents, teachers, caretakers, leaders, etc. to end shaming. When I was growing up, there was a glass/crystal shop in town, I remember seeing "the lady of shame" head bent, hands hiding her face. I can still hear Milicent de Weever muttering that she didn't want her in her house. After all these years, I now understand why shame is something we should avoid making a habit of and to be mindful when it's in the room.
There are many systems (schools/businesses/even coaches) that use toxic shame to keep operations going, however, the reactions of students and employees are climaxing; shaming is making people mentally unwell. We need to rethink this strategy and start addressing methods that are causing more harm than good in our societies. Let's be mindful about using shame to manipulate.
Debbie Zwanikken
