Dear Queenie,
My husband always said he wanted children, but once we had a child, a boy, he never spent any time with him. If I needed to go out he would have his parents come over and then he would go out, sometimes with his father too, and leave them or just Grandma to babysit.
Since our son got older my husband makes him do a lot of chores and he is always ready to tell our son what he has done wrong, but never says anything about what he has done right.
Now that our son is a teenager he can’t get along with his father at all, all they do is argue.
Queenie, I don’t want my son to grow up to be like his father. What can I do?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
Your husband apparently does not know how to treat a child. He would benefit from professional counselling if you can persuade him to get it. In fact, all of you would benefit from counselling, separately and together.
You should also talk to a lawyer to learn what your legal options are.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 27 years old, have finished university with a Master’s degree, and I have a good job, but I am still living with my parents.
They still treat me like a child, they don’t want me to stay out late, they listen in on my phone calls and open my mail and insist on me showing them my financial information – my salary slips and my bank statements.
I could afford to move into a place of my own, but my parents forbid me to do so because they say it will cause shame and embarrassment for the family. They say I have to stay with them until I get married, but with the way my parents treat me, how can I ever meet someone and get to know them and fall in love with them so much that I want to marry them?
Queenie, how can I keep my parents happy and still live like a grown-up person?—Adult child
Dear Adult child,
It seems you will have to choose which is more important to you – keeping your parents happy or living like a grown-up person.
As usual, I recommend professional counselling, for yourself and, if you can persuade them to go, for your parents as well. If they are very religious, perhaps their pastor can intervene on your behalf.
Dear Queenie,
My husband still keeps in close contact with his first wife. I can understand that he keeps in touch because they have children together, but I think this is too much. He calls her almost every day, but he doesn’t tell me what they talk about, and he buys her gifts on her birthday and Mothers’ Day and Christmas and he loaned her money to buy a new car and he never told me about any of this (I won’t tell you how I came to find out).
Queenie, isn’t this more than a little bit too much?—His new wife
Dear New Wife,
Yes, this is too much, especially because your husband did not tell you what he was doing. Ask him why he does all these things for his ex-wife, and especially why he did not tell you about any of it. And if he does not have some really good answers for you, I would recommend marriage counselling for the two of you.
Please note: If says he thought this behaviour would make you jealous, that answer is not good enough.
Dear Queenie,
My mother always made me send birthday cards to all our relatives, because most of them always remember my birthday, but there is one who never sends me a card and I have decided to stop sending her any more cards.
Queenie, do you think this makes sense, or am I just being spiteful?—Greeting card Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
If this is a much older relative – a grandparent, for example – or someone with health issues that might interfere with their sending cards, do not stop sending them cards. Otherwise, you have no obligation to send them anything.
However, sending the cards is a small matter that makes your mother happy, so you might want to continue doing it for her sake.
Dear Queenie,
I have invited some friends to my home several times for a meal – not a fancy dinner, just a casual lunch or supper – and they seem to have enjoyed it. One or two of them said we should do it more often, but none of them has offered to do it at their house.
Queenie, shouldn’t they be taking their turn?—Entertainment Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
Yes, of course they should, but these days many people do not understand the rules of etiquette, or just do not take the trouble to observe them. It could also be that some of them do not have the facilities to entertain guests, or are embarrassed to do so.
From now on, entertain at home only the people who do as much for you. You can get together with the others elsewhere; for instance, at a restaurant (and asking for separate bills would not be rude).
