Dear Queenie,
A couple of years after my parents got divorced my mother started dating a man and eventually moved in with him. After some time they broke up and my mother moved out and got a place of her own.
He never had much to do with me while they were living together, but since they broke up I hear from him fairly often by phone and email and he keeps asking me to spend time with him and do things with him.
Queenie, how should I respond?—Confused son
Dear Son,
Your mother’s ex may be trying to stay close to her by having a (hopefully fatherly) relationship with you. The next time you hear from him, tell him you are too busy and point out that your mother has moved on with her life and it is time for him to do so too.
Dear Queenie,
On my daughter’s 25th birthday I invited her to have dinner with me at a nice restaurant. When she arrived she had two friends with her and they didn’t offer to pay for their food so I ended up having to pay for everyone.
Queenie, should I say something to her or just not invite her to eat out?—Offended mother
Dear Mother,
You should explain to your daughter that she should have let you know in advance that she wanted to bring her friends to her birthday dinner and should have asked you if it would be okay with you.
You also could have asked the person who waited on you for separate checks and then paid for yours and your daughter’s, and handed their checks to your daughter’s friends. You might still have had to pay for them, but I am sure they – and your daughter – would have gotten the message.
Dear Queenie,
I am going on retirement pretty soon and I am wondering what life will be like without a job to go to every day. My wife is a good mother and grandmother, she is just great with children, but she doesn’t have anything for me anymore.
I like visiting with friends, but she is happy staying home all day taking care of the house and her garden and if we ever go out, she is the one who chooses where we go and what we do when we get there, and if it’s a restaurant, she even chooses what we both will eat. We hardly ever have sex because she makes it clear she doesn’t like it and is just doing it to please me.
Divorce is against my religion, but Queenie, what will I do all day every day after I retire from my job?—Husband about to retire
Dear Husband,
You can keep occupied by volunteering your services with a service organisation that will value the skills you have learned in your profession, or even just the natural abilities you have to offer.
You might also benefit from professional counselling, by yourself or with your wife if she will go too, to learn how to cope with retirement and how to bring some zest back into your marriage.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend and I have been going together for a couple of years and living together for the last six months. Since we’ve been living together we don’t do any of the things we used to do when we were just dating. We don’t go to the movies or other events or even just go out to eat at a restaurant, we just stay at home and do housework or watch TV.
Queenie, how can I get her to do the kind of things we used to do?—Bored boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend,
Make a list of the things you would like to do with your girlfriend and, with her cooperation, set one day (or night) per week as “date day (or night)”. If she is not interested in the things on your list, suggest that she make a list of her own as well.
If this does not help, professional relationship counselling might be in order for the two of you, but if you cannot persuade her to go with you, go by yourself.
Dear Queenie,
We are friends with another couple that we often go out to eat with. However, the wife always wants to make some change to what is offered on the menu or has some complaint about the food, and the husband is stingy when it comes to leaving a tip.
We find all this embarrassing, but we don’t want to get into an argument with them about it.
Queenie, is there anything we can do about it?—Embarrassed friend
Dear Friend,
Do not go out to eat at a restaurant with these friends. Invite them to your home for a meal, or go out with them for a picnic, or just go to a movie or some other entertainment with them and maybe stop at a bar for a quick drink afterwards.
