Dear Queenie,

I’m 13 and there is this boy I like a lot. I want to invite him for dinner or something so my parents can get to know him, but my mother won’t let me because she says I’m too young to be interested in boys and I can’t start dating until I’m at least 16, so what’s the point?

Queenie, I don’t want to date him, I just want to be friends and maybe when I’m older we can go out, but how can I get my mother to understand?—Still Mama’s little girl

Dear Mama’s little girl,

At 13 you are old enough to start being interested in boys, but your mother is probably hoping that if she says “no” she can put the issue off for a while. Big mistake! You are also approaching the age when most children start to feel independent and to rebel against too many restrictions.

A parent who is too strict is almost begging his/her teenager to sneak around behind his/her back. A better approach is to allow a limited amount of freedom with certain conditions attached.

Your wish to have your parents meet this boy and get to know him is admirable and shows a maturity beyond your years. Your willingness to wait to start going out with him speaks well for you as well.

Your mother would be wise to allow you to see him in your home when she is present and where she can supervise your relationship. Perhaps by the time you are ready to start dating, she will have learned to trust your sense of responsibility. You can tell her what I have said, perhaps by showing her this column.

Dear Queenie,

  I’ve always enjoyed reading your column and find that you usually give some really good advice to people with problems, no matter what it may be. I’m hoping that this time you can help me in my dilemma.

  My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and most of the time things are real good. The usual ups and downs as all relationships would have.

  The problem is that when things are bad, they’re real bad. During an argument we all might say things that we may not really mean which is one problem with us. But the big problem that we have is during these arguments she has the tendency of becoming physically violent towards me and at times tries to hit me with anything that she can find.

  This is my first real relationship, but not her first one. I know that she has been physically abused by her lovers in the past and I think that this is one of the reasons she’s acting out with all these emotions towards me.

  Many people would say I should just leave her and that I’m foolish to stay. But nevertheless this is love and even if we do break-up I would still like for her to get some psychological help, at least to help her with her future as well as future relationships with other people.

  Queenie, I love her and only want the best for her. Do you know of any psychologists that she can go to?—Abuser’s boyfriend

Dear Abuser’s boyfriend,

  There are psychologists on the island, but I never refer a reader to any specific doctor or counsellor. Ask your family doctor, Safe Haven and/or the Women’s Desk for a referral.

  I must warn you, however, that it will do very little good unless and until your girlfriend admits she has a problem and truly wants to be helped to overcome it.

  If you have trouble persuading her to go, ask her to join you for counselling as a couple, to learn to disagree, even to argue, without “fighting dirty”, saying things you don’t really mean and becoming physically violent.

Dear Queenie,

I have a job where I work 6 days a week. I’m supposed to have one full weekend off every month but somehow it never seems to happen. Someone always seems to get sick or have a family emergency or something and it’s always good old me that they call on to fill in.

I get paid overtime for working on my weekend off and my boss seems to think that is enough and I shouldn’t complain, but I don’t want the money as much as I want the time off to rest up or do things with my family and friends.

Queenie, how can I get my days off?—Worn out worker

Dear Worn out worker,

First of all, remember that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. You will have to learn to say, “No!” and make it stick.

Have you talked this over with your boss? He (or she) may be under the impression that you are happy to get the extra money. Explain clearly that you would prefer to have the time off and, if necessary, ask him/her to set down on paper exactly what weekend you will have off each month.

When you are asked to give up a free weekend, make sure to establish what weekend you will be given off instead. Again, it would be a good idea to have it set down in writing.

Of course, you will want to cooperate in a real emergency, but your boss and/or your co-workers should not impose on your good nature too often, and you should not let them do so. As I have said before, sometimes you can “just say no.”

Dear Queenie,

My brother broke up with his girlfriend a while ago and since then he has been pestering me (he’s 16 and I’m 14). He hasn’t actually done anything, but he keeps looking at me funny and hanging around outside the bathroom and my bedroom when I’m taking a bath or changing my clothes.

One time he offered me money to let him watch. I said “no” and he laughed and said he was joking and that was the end of it, but he still keeps hanging around and I think he peeks at me if the door isn’t shut tight, and it makes me feel queer.

Queenie, what should I do? If I tell my parents they might think I’ve been doing something bad.—Nervous girl

Dear Nervous girl,

You haven’t been doing anything bad, but your brother has, and he may do worse.

First, tell your brother you don’t like what he is doing and ask him to stop. Tell him that if he doesn’t, you will tell your parents everything that has been going on.

If he still persists in this behaviour, tell your parents at once, no matter what threats your brother may have made. If they don’t believe you or don’t think it’s a serious matter and won’t do anything about it, call the Positive Connection Hotline from Monday to Friday, 4:00-8:00pm, tel. 547-7013, or the Safe Haven hotline 24/7, tel. 9333.