Dear Queenie,
I’ve been married for 3 years to a great guy, except for one thing. He knows he’s not the first man I ever had sex with. I had a number of boyfriends before we were married and he knows I had sex with them. I have told him I never had sex with anyone else after we started going together, but he says he doesn’t believe it.
When he asked me to marry him he said he didn’t care about the others, but now whenever I don’t feel like having sex with him he starts going on about how I must be thinking of them or I must have a man on the side if I’m not interested in sex with him. When we have a fight about something else he always ends up by saying he should have known better than to marry a slut like me.
Queenie, why can’t he just put the past behind us? He knows I love him and he should trust me. Besides, I’m sick of having to apologise for what happened before we ever even met. It’s getting so I don’t want to have sex with him even when things are good between us.—Unhappy wife
Dear Unhappy wife,
Your husband doesn’t seem to me to be all that great a guy. To the contrary, he seems to be somewhat insecure and more than a little emotionally abusive. It’s no wonder you are losing interest in making love with him. Nothing kills that mood faster than the kind of anger you feel about the way he treats you.
Counselling for both of you is called for in this case, but if he won’t go with you, go alone. At least you can get some help in coping with his abuse and in deciding whether your marriage is worth preserving.
A note to my other readers, especially young girls: This woman’s story is a perfect example of one of the major flaws in the modern attitude toward sex. Aside from the physical hazards of premarital sex, there can be severe emotional repercussions as well. Sex should not be indulged in merely as a casual pastime! Even if you are in love, it is better to exercise some restraint.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I went out with a couple we have known for years. I don’t drink, but they all do. They had a lot to drink at dinner and afterward we went home and they all drank a lot more.
My wife went to bed after a while and the other fellow’s wife fell asleep on our sofa, I guess “passed out” would be a better word for it. I didn’t want to tell the other guy to take his wife and go home because he was pretty drunk and I didn’t think it was safe for him to drive.
After a while I thought he had fallen asleep, so I went to bed too. Around daylight I woke up and there he was sitting on the other side of the bed next to my wife, putting on his pants! I didn’t know what to do so I pretended to be asleep and he went and got his wife up and pretty soon I heard them leaving.
When my wife got up she claimed she couldn’t remember anything after she went to bed. I don’t know what to think, but I’m so mad I’m ready to get a divorce.
Queenie, what do you think of all this?—Sober husband
Dear Sober husband,
I think your wife and your friends have a drinking problem and should consider joining Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
I also think it’s possible your friend was so drunk he didn’t know where he was when he came into your bedroom, that he was too drunk to do anything but pass out, and that when he sobered up enough to realise his mistake he tried to sneak out before you woke up.
Ask him what happened. You may be able to tell from his reaction what, if anything, happened. And if he claims he can’t remember, which may very well be true, it will give you an opening to suggest that he and his wife need help for their drinking problem.
Under the circumstances, you already have good reason to make the same suggestion to your wife.
Dear Queenie,
I'm 11 years old. Why do I always get to be the shortest and skinniest girl? Why can’t I be like one of my friends in Guyana or like Sister Sister the show.
There was this boy and he told me that I am too skinny and that I need to go to the gym. It was the most embarrassing day of my life. It was very hard for me to turn my back and tell him the same thing.
Well, Queenie, what do I do? Please, I need your help. E-mail me back and tell me what should I do please.—Short girl
Dear Short girl,
You get to be short and skinny because that’s how some 11-year-olds are. You haven’t started to mature yet, and that’s as it should be. You can’t be like the girls on the TV show because those are teenage actresses playing the roles of girls much younger than they are.
The next time that boy teases you, tell him girls your age are supposed to be short and skinny and he should just wait a few years. I promise you, when you reach puberty and start to have a mature figure, that boy won’t be teasing you that way at all; he will probably be tagging after you begging you to notice him.
Readers, please note:
I do not answer letters individually. All letters will be answered in the newspaper. Names will be changed or deleted, to protect the privacy of the writer and others who may be mentioned.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 15 and I have a boyfriend, but he hasn’t called me since the vacation. One of my girlfriends told me that she saw him with another girl and she said that it wasn’t just a friend because they were kissing and it was no friendship kiss, it was the French kiss.
So Queenie, could you please help me?—Lonely girlfriend
Dear Lonely girlfriend,
Just what kind of help do you want? If it’s advice on how to get this boy to call you, you won’t get it from me. In the first place, I don’t know enough about him to know what would attract him. In the second place, I wouldn’t advise you to try to get him back, even if you could.
He has shown no interest in you since before the vacation. Furthermore, he seems to be showing a great deal of interest in at least one other girl. He seems to be interested in you only when it is convenient for him because he sees you at school, and then not exclusively. He may show up again now that school has started, but I think you can do better.
However, at your age there is no reason to confine yourself to an exclusive relationship. You should have many friends, female as well as male, and should be focussing mainly on your schoolwork.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I separated a few months ago and are getting a divorce. The reason why we separated is that he found out I was having an affair. But he had been going with other women all the time we were married and he has children by some of his bysides.
My problem is my 16-year-old daughter. She doesn’t know about the bysides and the outside children and she blames me for the breakup.
She wants to go live with her father. What she doesn’t know is that he doesn’t want her because she will interfere with his seeing all those other women because he still doesn’t want her to find out about them and his other children.
Queenie, I don’t want to be the one to tell her what kind of man her father is, but there’s no living with her the way things are. How do I handle this?—Caught in the middle
Dear Caught in the middle,
Your daughter is old enough to know the truth about her father and your marriage to him. If he doesn’t want her to know the truth, too bad for him. If he is so ashamed of what he has done, and is still doing, he shouldn’t have done and still be doing it.
In fact, I’m surprised she doesn’t already know. Secrets like that can’t be kept for long on this small island. When you tell her, you may be surprised to find out that she already knows the truth and is angry at you for doing the same as her father.
I would suggest family counselling for you and your daughter. She clearly needs it, and I’m sure you would benefit as well. If you can persuade your husband to go too, so much the better. It might even save your marriage, if there is anything left to save
