Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law needs a lot of help. She doesn’t know how to drive so she needs someone to take her places and my father-in-law took care of yard work and paying bills and arranging repairs when something needed fixing and all like that, so since he died she needs someone to do all that for her.
She has 3 sons including my husband and they all live nearby, but somehow it’s always me they expect to help her out, as if I didn’t have enough to do caring for my own house and our children.
Queenie, is this fair?—Overworked
Dear Overworked,
Not if you are doing all the work of helping her out, but you should be prepared to pitch in part of the time, especially if you do not have a job outside the home.
In any case, your husband and his brothers (and their wives if they are married too) should work out some kind of arrangement for sharing the job of taking care of their mother.
Dear Queenie,
Since I retired it seems my wife can’t stand to have me around. It’s not as if I hang around the house all day. I go out to run errands or just to hang out with friends, but I would like to be able to sleep late or watch daytime TV without her getting mad at me just for being there.
Queenie, what’s wrong with that?—In her way
Dear In,
For all of your working life your wife has had the house to herself during the day (assuming she was a stay-at-home Mom) or never had much, if any, alone-time at home if she had a job. Now that you are retired she has to make a huge adjustment.
It might help if you would pitch in with the housework now that you do not have to go out to work, instead of just lazing around while she still does all the work she has always had to do – and do not kid yourself: keeping house is just as hard work as holding down whatever kind of job you retired from. Give her a chance to retire too!
Dear Queenie,
What color ink is OK to use for signing greeting cards? My mother says it should only be blue or black, but my wife likes to use other colors too.
Queenie, who is right?—Greeting card Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
For sympathy or condolence cards it is best to use a sombre colour. But for festive occasions like birthdays or holidays any cheerful colour is just fine, as long as it is easy to read.
Dear Queenie,
My wife has a habit of bringing up small things from the past that are very embarrassing, like the time (long before we were married) when we went out to dinner and it turned out that the place was more expensive than I had expected and I didn’t have enough money with me to pay the bill so she had to pitch in.
Queenie, why does she do it? And how can I get her to stop?—Hurt feelings
Dear Hurt,
This is a form of bullying – a “mean girl” trick that apparently she has not outgrown. She does it to get a rise out of you.
You can talk to her about this, but if I am right about her motives, you may not be able to get her to stop. However, the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore the bullying behaviour. If she cannot get the reaction she wants she may stop – or she may find some other way to get under your skin.
What you should be thinking about is not the specific behaviour, but the reason behind it – why your wife would want to make you feel this way. Counselling for the two of you might help both of you understand the dynamics of your relationship a little better. But if you cannot persuade her to go with you for counselling, go by yourself to help you learn how to deal with her better – that is, if you decide you want to continue dealing with her at all.
Dear Queenie,
We are very careful about what we let our children watch on TV. Recently our daughter was invited to a sleepover at a friend’s house and we know from what she tells us that the friend is allowed to watch programs and movies that we would never allow our daughter to see, at least not until she is much older than she is now. But she will be very disappointed if she can’t go.
Queenie, what to do?—Careful parents
