Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend and I have been together for several years and now we have a new baby together and that’s just wonderful.
The problem is that we also have her son and daughter from her previous relationship living with us and they are totally disrespectful to both of us and she refuses to correct them because she is afraid if she does they will want to go live with their father.
Queenie, how can I get her to understand that this is not right?—Angry stepdad
Dear Stepdad,
The real problem is that children need discipline, which these children are not getting. If you cannot make your girlfriend understand this, professional counselling might help. And if that does not work, you might consider whether you really want to stay with her, and taking the baby with you when you leave (which might just be a wakeup call for the baby’s rather negligent mother).
Actually, it might not be so bad if the older children go to live with their father, at least for a while. It is quite possible that he would crack down on them and teach them some manners, and if not, he would be the one to suffer from their behaviour, not you.
Dear Queenie,
My cousin asked me to be her maid of honour at her wedding and I said I would. Later I received a formal invitation to the wedding, but I never bothered to send back the RSVP card because I figured it was taken for granted I would be there because I had already promised to be the maid of honour.
Then –at the reception! – my aunt, the bride’s mother, scolded me for being rude not sending the RSVP card.
Queenie, was I wrong or was she?—Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
According to the etiquette books, whenever you receive an invitation with an RSVP card you should return the RSVP card as soon as possible. However, in this case, as you already had promised to be the maid of honour, the RSVP card would seem to have been redundant. And, for your aunt to have used the occasion of the wedding reception to bawl you out for rudeness was in itself rude, in my opinion.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend often picks up his food with his fingers instead of using a fork, or if he uses a fork he will use his fingers to push the food onto his fork instead of using a knife or a piece of bread, and then he will lick his fingers instead of using a napkin.
I know this is how he was brought up, because I have seen his parents eat the same way, but I find it gross and I worry about how it will affect him socially when he does it in public.
Queenie, how can I teach him to do better?—Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Be honest with him (gently, tactfully, please) and offer to teach him how these things are done in our society. I just hope he will be willing to work with you on this.
Dear Queenie,
I’m so jealous of my best friend that I’m just about ready to end our friendship. Everything we do she does better than me. She’s better at sports, she gets better grades, she has all the boys chasing after her.
She doesn’t seem to notice all this, but it’s really getting to me.
Queenie, how do I get over it?—Green-eyed monster
Dear Green-eyes,
To begin with, stop comparing yourself to your friend. The way you talk, you only seem to notice the things that make you jealous. Does it also bother you that she is taller (or shorter) than you are, for example?
Next, find activities for yourself in which your friend does not participate. Then there will be no comparison.
Finally, instead of spending so much energy worrying about how much better she is at anything, work on improving your own performance and if it something at which your friend excels, try asking her to help you in doing so. If she really is your friend, she will be happy to pitch in.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine has a boyfriend who never lets her answer a question. He always jumps in and answers for her before she has a chance to say anything even if he really doesn’t know anything about the subject and usually he first will ask, “Why do you ask?”
Queenie, what’s wrong here? And why does she let him get away with it?—Disgusted
Dear Disgusted,
Maybe she puts up with it because she loves him. Maybe she just does not notice, or if she does notice she does not care enough to make an issue of it.
However, this could be a symptom of a controlling or even abusive personality, so keep in close touch with your friend and make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you.
