Dear Queenie,
My husband used to abuse me, but when I left him and got a divorce my father threw me out of his house without letting me explain and the rest of the family just stood there and didn’t say anything.
Now my mother is going to die of cancer.
Queenie, should I forgive her and my father even though I don’t think they deserve it? That feels like admitting that they were right in taking my ex-husband’s side.—Rejected daughter
Dear Daughter,
If your mother and/or your father have asked for forgiveness, that is like admitting they were wrong and you should at least try to forgive them. However, if they did not, having anything to do with them is just risking more rejection.
I suggest you stay away from them unless they make the first move toward reconciliation.
Dear Queenie,
My father left his vacation home to me and my brother when he died. My brother needed the money, so he traded his share of the vacation home for what it was worth in cash from our father’s estate.
I have been renting out the vacation home by the week to other people who want it for their vacation. Now my brother wants to spend his vacation there next summer. If I let him use for free it I will lose the rent I could have gotten from a stranger, but my brother doesn’t want to pay because he says it’s the family’s “other home.”
Queenie, should I charge my brother for it too?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Your brother gave up all rights to the use of the vacation home when he traded (sold) his share for cash. It is entirely up to you to decide whether you want to charge him for using it. However, he should at least be expected to pay the utility bills for the time he spends there.
Dear Queenie,
I have seen signs that my husband surfs the Internet for porn when I’m not around.
He says he only loves me and he wouldn’t be mad at me if I looked at porn pictures of men but I’m not at all interested in that sort of thing. It just makes me mad that he spends time fantasizing about other women besides me.
Queenie, how do I deal with this?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
Researchers looking for statistics could not find one man who did not look at porn at least occasionally. Getting “turned on” by such images seems to be a natural part of the male psyche. That does not mean your husband is doing anything more than just look.
Try to control your anger and not let it affect other aspects of your marriage. For all you know, when your husband looks at those pictures, he is fantasising that you are the one he is looking at.
Dear Queenie,
My husband goes to other islands on business but he never tells me where he is going or what hotel he will be staying at. He says I can call him on his cell phone if I need to talk to him.
This seems disrespectful to me.
Queenie, am I making too much of this? Don’t I have right to know where he is and where he is staying?—Another angry wife
Dear Wife,
Your husband is definitely not considering your feelings. You have a right to know where he is in case of an emergency. But if you trust him, try not to focus on this when he goes away, and make other plans to keep yourself busy.
Dear Queenie,
I saw your column for Wednesday, January 2, and I didn’t even read your reply but hook me up.
I’m an educated, pretty boy (so I’m told) who doesn’t believe he’s pretty, so I know that whatever woman lets me into her life I’m not doing her a favor. I have nearly always dated older women for their perceived maturity, but somehow even they end up being childish.
I do not play with feelings and I do not raise my hands on women, so I expect the same consideration in return.
I believe body and mind are one so I work out both: reading up on Black historical figures, in fact I just started reading the biography of Eunice Carter, and I just joined a gym and regularly go on long walks.
You know, just forward my email to “Still single” and she can take it from there. If you want to publish my email you can, but no names.
That’s it, Queenie, I shot my shot, the ball is in her court.—Educated pretty boy
Dear Pretty Boy,
My column is not a dating service. I do not publish or give out any information about people who write letters to me.
You should have read my reply to “Still single,” because my advice to her applies to you, too, so I repeat it here for you:
You need to meet a lot of women, many of whom will not meet your requirements, to meet a few who do meet them. Go places, including stopping by a bar or two for “happy hour” and maybe flirting with one or two of the other patrons. Throw parties for your friends and let them know what kind of woman you are looking for so if they know one they can bring her with them. Join a service club and/or community service organisation – not all the female members will be married or otherwise “attached” – and one of them might even be “Still Single.
And keep in mind that “uneducated” is not the same as “stupid.”
