Dear Queenie,
What is the matter with today’s teenagers? Don’t they have any manners at all? When I drive my children and their friends places, they never say a word to me. They get into the car and start talking to each other and never even say “Hello” to me, let alone “Thank you for the ride” when they get out.
When they call my children on the phone they ask for the kids and again they never say “Hello” to me or make any conversation. They don’t even say “Please” when they ask for my children.
Queenie, I wouldn’t let my children behave that way! Where are their parents?—Disgusted mother
Dear Disgusted mother,
The problem is not so much the teenagers as it is the parents who don’t teach them good manners and the other adults who let them get away with such rudeness.
When you pick up your children’s friends to take them somewhere, don’t start the car until they have greeted you properly. If they don’t understand what you want of them, explain clearly what kind of greeting you would find acceptable.
Explain also that you expect them to show proper appreciation when they arrive at their destination. A simple “Thank you” should be sufficient, but make it clear to them that if you don’t hear it, they can walk the next time.
Regarding phone manners, it’s entirely possible that their parents don’t even know what good phone manners are; too many adults behave the same way these days, even in a business environment.
When you answer a call from one of these children, insist that they greet you politely before you pass the call to your child. Again, if they don’t understand what you want, explain it to them. “Hello, Mrs. Whatsis. This is So-and-so calling. May I please speak to Whosit?” would be satisfactory.
If they can’t manage to be polite to you, don’t pass on the call. And be sure to explain to your children why they are not receiving calls from their rude friends.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine has really bad breath. Sometimes it’s so bad you can’t even talk to her because of the smell. She doesn’t have much success with boys and I think it’s because of her bad breath.
I want to tell her about it but I don’t want to make her mad at me.
Queenie, how do you tell somebody something like that?—Holding my nose
Dear Holding my nose,
A looooong time ago there used to be a television commercial for toothpaste that said, “Even your best friend won’t tell you (that you have bad breath)!” I always thought that if someone was really your friend, they would tell you so you would know to do something about it. And of course, the same thing applies to body odour and smelly feet.
How to go about it? Well, that depends on the kind of person your friend is and how close you are to her.
You could take a deep breath and tell her straight out. Then sit down with her and try to figure out why her breath is so bad and what she can do about it. Possible causes could be tooth decay, poor oral hygiene, a diet that includes smelly foods like garlic, a medical problem, smoking, or a combination of several of the above.
A visit to the dentist and/or doctor will help her to determine the cause, and the practitioner will be able to make suggestions as to ways to combat the problem.
And if she smokes, stopping smoking will both help sweeten her breath and help make her more aware of her problem. It’s a fact: As well as fouling the smoker’s breath, smoking deadens the senses of smell and taste. If she is a smoker she probably is totally unaware of how foul her breath smells to others.
Dear Queenie,
Whenever I invite them to dinner, my in-laws bring along several dishes of food. They don’t bother to ask what I may need, which would be nothing. I’m not the kind of hostess who depends on her guests to provide their own food and I’m a good cook.
They also don’t ask what kind of food I’m going to serve, but just bring whatever they feel like, and often it doesn’t go with the food I have prepared. Like, they bring chili when I’m serving Chinese food, or barbecued ribs when I’m serving roast turkey.
They get vexed if I don’t put their food on the table with what I have cooked, and they expect me to wash the dishes they bring it in and have them ready for them to take home when they leave.
I like to visit with my guests while they are there and clean up after they leave. And I take it as an insult when they bring food, as though they don’t think I will have enough for them to eat, or as if I can’t cook well enough to suit them.
Queenie, how should I handle this?—Harassed hostess
Dear Harassed hostess,
According to the etiquette books, food or wine brought by guests is considered a gift to the hostess and does not have to be served to the guests. According to me, demanding that it be put it on the table for the donor(s) to eat is like giving someone a box of candy for a birthday gift and then sitting down and eating it all up – rude, rude, rude!
The next time your in-laws bring food to your dinner party, thank them nicely for it and tell them how much you and your husband will enjoy it the next day, especially because they have saved you from having to cook the day after you worked so hard to prepare the food for the party.
Then put the food they brought into your own containers and store it away, put their dishes to soak in a pan of hot soapy water, and sit down to enjoy your dinner. When they are ready to leave, hand them their clean dishes and thank them again for the nice gift.
If they get vexed when you don’t serve their food, ask them, “Why? Is there something wrong with what I have served you?”
Dear Queenie,
I like a guy, but I didn’t really tell him how I actually feel about him. Every time I try to, I get lost in words or he ignores it. I know that he knows and that he doesn’t really want anything to do with my feelings for him. I am kind of okay with that.
In the meantime, I try very hard to forget what I would like from him or how I would want him to act. I am not trying to change him. I really need to accept our friendship the way it is without my romantic feelings getting involved every time. I do want to be friends with him and I truly don’t want to harass him with my feelings.
Queenie, can you give some help in doing so?—Mixed up feelings
Dear Mixed up feelings,
For the time being, try to confine your friendship with this guy to group activities where your romantic feelings will be easier to keep under control.
Try also to broaden your interests to fields that do not include him, where you might have a chance to meet other guys in whom you might become (hopefully, mutually) interested.
Finally, try to give yourself more time away from him. Again, you will have a better chance to meet someone else you like if you are not concentrating your attention on this guy who isn’t interested in you.
Dear Queenie,
I am in love with the minister of my church and I’m sure he feels the same way, even though he has never indicated such to me.
Queenie, how can I get him to admit how he feels?—Romantic parishioner
Dear Romantic parishioner,
It is not uncommon for women to be romantically attracted to their pastors. However, it would be completely unethical for a pastor to become romantically involved with a member of his congregation. And, of course, if either one of you is married, “Thou shalt not commit adultery!”
If he were to have a romantic relationship with you while you were a member of his congregation, I would have serious doubts about his integrity and would advise you not to trust him.
If you are really serious about him, join another church. Then explain to him why you have left his congregation and invite him to dinner. But don’t be too disappointed if it turns out that he is not interested. Pastors are accustomed to dealing with women with crushes.
