Dear Queenie,
My sister went through a nasty divorce from her husband and our mother has done everything she can to protect their daughter from all the nastiness. Now the rest of the family have lost contact with the girl because she only goes to her grandmother for everything.
Queenie, do you think this is right?—Worried Aunt
Dear Aunt,
If your niece turns mostly to her grandmother because she finds it easy to talk to her and confide in her because Grandma is so understanding and comforting, I see no problem. However, if Grandma is deliberately keeping the girl away from the rest of the family, no, that is not right.
Do your best to see your niece whenever you can and let her know that you, too, are there for her if she needs you. But do not push the matter too hard, for fear of alienating her further.
Dear Queenie,
Sometimes when I host a family get-together I also invite some close friends. Recently I found out that some of my family have been inviting these same friends for occasions that I am not included in.
Queenie, I’m glad that they are getting along so well, but shouldn’t they invite me too?—Left out
Dear Left out,
Probably your relatives and these friends have some common interest that you do not share with them, so they do not think you would wish to be included in related occasions. Spend whatever time you can with all of them, separately and/or together, and do not waste time or energy on feeling excluded when they get together without you.
Dear Queenie,
When I was a child I was molested by a close relative. I told my parents, but I guess they didn’t believe me, because they continued to invite this relative to family gatherings. It made me very uncomfortable to be around him and it still does, so when I got old enough I stopped going to any event where he would be there.
Now he is married and has children and his wife sends me birthday and Christmas cards and I don’t like to see his name on the cards.
Queenie, can I ask her to stop sending them? Should I explain why?—Molester’s victim
Dear Victim,
Yes, you can ask your abuser’s wife to stop sending you birthday and Christmas cards. And if there is even the slightest chance that her husband might do to any of his children what he did to you, his wife should be warned about it – hopefully before it has a chance to happen.
Dear Queenie,
My adult stepson lives with us. He does not have a job so he can’t pay rent and he expects us to give him money to pay for everything he needs and wants. He won’t even try to get a job, but if we throw him out he will be living on the street.
Queenie, what can we do?—Fed-up step-parent
Dear Step-parent,
Your stepson will never learn (or be willing) to take responsibility for himself as long as he can rely on others to take care of him.
Insist that he go with you and your spouse for professional counselling to help the two of you learn how to teach him to grow up and fend for himself, and to insist that he do so – and to help him learn to stand on his own.
Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law lost everything when my father-in-law died, because she never asked anyone for help or advice in handling her legal and financial matters. Now she lives with us. She had a job for a while, but didn’t keep it. She sleeps a lot and doesn’t do anything to help around the house. When we ask her to do something she acts like we’re picking on her. She is not that old, just 57.
Queenie, we don’t want to make her move out, but what can we do?—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Your mother-in-law may be suffering from depression due to losing her husband and all that she went through afterward. Professional counselling might help and as long as she is staying with you, you are in a position to insist that she go. Your spouse should go with her at least once to explain some of her – and your – problems to the counsellor.
