Dear Queenie,
I have a job where I work 6 days a week. I’m supposed to have one full weekend off every month but somehow it never seems to happen. Someone always seems to get sick or have a family emergency or something and it’s always good old me that they call on to fill in.
I get paid overtime for working on my weekend off and my boss seems to think that is enough and I shouldn’t complain, but I don’t want the money as much as I want the time off to rest up or do things with my family and friends.
Queenie, how can I get my days off?—Worn out worker
Dear Worn out worker,
First of all, remember that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. You will have to learn to say, “No!” and make it stick.
Have you talked this over with your boss? He (or she) may be under the impression that you are happy to get the extra money. Explain clearly that you would prefer to have the time off and, if necessary, ask him/her to set down on paper exactly what weekend you will have off each month.
When you are asked to give up a free weekend, make sure to establish what weekend you will be given off instead. Again, it would be a good idea to have it set down in writing.
Of course, you will want to cooperate in a real emergency, but your boss and/or your co-workers should not impose on your good nature too often, and you should not let them do so. As I have said before, sometimes you can “just say no.”
Dear Queenie,
I’ve always enjoyed reading your column and find that you usually give some really good advice to people with problems, no matter what it may be. I’m hoping that this time you can help me in my dilemma.
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and most of the time things are real good. The usual ups and downs as all relationships would have.
The problem is that when things are bad, they’re real bad. During an argument we all might say things that we may not really mean which is one problem with us. But the big problem that we have is during these arguments she has the tendency of becoming physically violent towards me and at times tries to hit me with anything that she can find.
This is my first real relationship, but not her first one. I know that she has been physically abused by her lovers in the past and I think that this is one of the reasons she’s acting out with all these emotions towards me.
Many people would say I should just leave her and that I’m foolish to stay. But nevertheless this is love and even if we do break-up I would still like for her to get some psychological help, at least to help her with her future as well as future relationships with other people.
Queenie, I love her and only want the best for her. Do you know of any psychologists that she can go to?—Abuser’s boyfriend
Dear Abuser’s boyfriend,
There are psychologists on the island, but I never refer a reader to any specific doctor or counsellor. Ask your family doctor, Safe Haven and/or the Women’s Desk for a referral.
I must warn you, however, that it will do very little good unless and until your girlfriend admits she has a problem and truly wants to be helped to overcome it.
If you have trouble persuading her to go, ask her to join you for counselling as a couple, to learn to disagree, even to argue, without “fighting dirty”, saying things you don’t really mean and becoming physically violent.
Dear Queenie,
Over the Christmas holidays last year I stayed with my grandmother while my parents went off island. A friend of hers had Christmas dinner with us because he has no family here.
The whole time he was there they were acting like a couple of teenagers, hugging and kissing and touching each other. It was embarrassing to watch them. And I think he stayed the night because I heard noises coming from her bedroom like my parents make sometimes when they’re doing it.
Queenie, why do old people behave like that? It’s disgusting!—Grandson
Dear Grandson,
They behave like that for the same reason young people do.
I assure you, no matter how old you get, you will never outgrow the need for affection, physical contact and some form of sexual activity.
I hate to use the phrase, because I know how much young people dislike it, but “you’ll understand when you are older.”
Dear Queenie,
My brother broke up with his girlfriend a while ago and since then he has been pestering me (he’s 16 and I’m 14). He hasn’t actually done anything, but he keeps looking at me funny and hanging around outside the bathroom and my bedroom when I’m taking a bath or changing my clothes.
One time he offered me money to let him watch. I said “no” and he laughed and said he was joking and that was the end of it, but he still keeps hanging around and I think he peeks at me if the door isn’t shut tight, and it makes me feel queer.
Queenie, what should I do? If I tell my parents they might think I’ve been doing something bad.—Nervous girl
Dear Nervous girl,
You haven’t been doing anything bad, but your brother has, and he may do worse.
First, tell your brother you don’t like what he is doing and ask him to stop. Tell him that if he doesn’t, you will tell your parents everything that has been going on.
If he still persists in this behaviour, tell your parents at once, no matter what threats your brother may have made. If they don’t believe you or don’t think it’s a serious matter and won’t do anything about it, call the Positive Connection Hotline from Monday to Friday, 4:00-8:00pm, tel. 547-7013, or the Safe Haven hotline 24/7, tel. 9333.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been married for 5 years. We have a year-old baby and our next one is due in a couple of months. On top of that I work full-time.
My husband used to drink a lot before we got married. He didn’t stop after we got married but he drinks a lot less now, but his idea of good time is still to go out with his friends and get falling-down slurring-his-words drunk. He spends his day off drinking too.
He celebrated his birthday by having a drinking party with a lot of his friends. I can’t drink because I am pregnant, so I took the baby and spent the night at my parents’ house.
On my birthday we went to a nice restaurant for dinner, but he drank a lot of wine and beer and by the time we left he was stumbling all over the place and bumping into other people’s tables and laughing as if it was a big joke. I was so embarrassed I just walked away and left him there.
Queenie, I’ve tried to talk to him about his drinking, but he just says I’m making something out of nothing. Is he right? Is this kind of drinking normal for a man in his 20s?—Sober wife
Dear Sober wife,
No, he is wrong. This kind of drinking is not normal or healthy for a man of any age. But it is typical behaviour for an alcoholic, as is his refusal to admit that it is a problem.
Your husband will not change until he admits he has a problem and decides to do something about it. When he does, I recommend he join the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
Meanwhile, I suggest you contact Al-Anon, the sister organisation for relatives/friends of alcoholics. AA can put you in touch with the local chapter, if there is one, or you can check out its website.
And remember that a tendency to alcoholism can be inherited, so discuss it with your children when they are old enough to understand.
