Dear Queenie,
I have a strange insecurity that I can't seem to shake. My husband's parents help us quite a lot with our children. They live nearby, they're retired, and they genuinely enjoy being involved with their grandchildren. My husband also has a habit of calling them whenever something comes up. School finishes early? Call his parents. One of the children needs to be somewhere while we're both working? Call his parents. We need someone for a couple of hours? Call his parents. I appreciate the help. The problem is that I'm starting to wonder what they think about me. My husband is usually the one who asks them, so from their perspective, they constantly see their son arranging things for the children and Grandma and Grandpa coming to the rescue. They don't see everything happening behind the scenes. They don't see the appointments I arrange, the school matters I handle, the shopping, planning, worrying, organising and everything else that comes with being a mother. There have also been comments from them in the past that made me feel judged as a parent. Nothing recent, but enough that apparently I haven't forgotten. Now I've started wondering whether they're telling other people that their son does everything and I'm barely involved. I have absolutely no evidence that they're saying this. That's what makes me feel slightly ridiculous. But every time my husband calls them for help, the thought pops into my head again. Should I somehow make it clearer how much I actually do, or am I fighting with people who haven't even entered the ring? —The Invisible Mother
Dear Invisible Mother,
Your last question contains your answer. At the moment, you are fighting shadows. There is something from the past that made you feel judged, and every new interaction is being viewed through that old lens. That's understandable. But it isn't necessarily accurate. You don't know that your in-laws think you're an absent mother. You don't know that they're discussing you. You don't know that when Grandpa collects a child from school he's thinking anything beyond: "I'm picking up my grandchild." Be careful not to turn suspicion into evidence. There is also something else happening here. You seem to be measuring motherhood by visibility. Your husband's contribution is visible to his parents because he's the one calling them. Their contribution is visible because they physically arrive. Much of yours happens quietly. That doesn't make it smaller. Families are held together by an extraordinary amount of work nobody sees. The permission slip signed last Tuesday. The shoes bought before someone noticed they'd become too small. Knowing which child needs what and when. Remembering that there's no bread for tomorrow's sandwiches. Being the person who notices. None of this requires an audience to count. I would, however, have one conversation with your husband. Not about what his parents might think. About what you are feeling. Tell him that because of previous comments, their frequent involvement sometimes makes you feel as though you're being positioned outside your own family. He may be able to reassure you, or perhaps become more conscious about discussing childcare arrangements with you before automatically calling his parents. But don't start performing motherhood for your in-laws. Don't suddenly make announcements about everything you've done. Don't create opportunities for them to witness you parenting. And certainly don't start defending yourself against gossip you haven't heard. That's exhausting. If somebody actually says something, deal with something. Until then, let Grandma and Grandpa help. Take the free babysitting. And remind yourself: Your children aren't keeping score based on who did the school pickup. They know who their mother is. You should too. —Queenie
