Dear Queenie,
A colleague of mine recently joined Tinder. Apparently, this is a much bigger thing in Sint Maarten than some of us realized, because within days she started finding people we know. That is already dangerous on an island this size. But then she found someone we really know. The partner of a good friend. His profile appeared while she was swiping, and according to Tinder it is active. Our friend is a very prominent professional woman. She and this man have been together for some time and, as far as we know, they are in a committed relationship. Now we don't know what to do. There could be an innocent explanation. Maybe he had Tinder before they got together and never deleted it properly. Maybe the app makes old profiles look active. Maybe they have an arrangement we know absolutely nothing about. For all we know, they could have an open relationship and we're the old-fashioned ones sitting here clutching our pearls. But there is also the obvious possibility: He's on Tinder looking for women. My colleague took a screenshot, so we know exactly what she saw. Neither of us wants to humiliate our friend or interfere in her relationship. Her public position makes us even more cautious because the last thing we want is for something involving her private life to become gossip. But if my partner was actively presenting himself as single on a dating app, I think I would want a good friend to tell me. Should we tell her? And if so, how? —Swiped Into Trouble
Dear Swiped Into Trouble,
This is one of those situations where a small island suddenly becomes extremely small. Your colleague went looking for a date and accidentally wandered into an ethical dilemma. First, separate what you know from what you're assuming. You know she encountered his profile. You have a screenshot. You apparently have some indication that the profile is active. You do not know why it's active, whether he's using it to meet people, what agreements exist within their relationship, or whether your friend already knows. Those distinctions matter. So don't approach her with: "Your man is cheating." You don't know that. And don't begin investigating either. No creating a fake profile to match with him. No sending another woman to test him. No reconnaissance mission to determine whether he responds. You are friends, not Tinder RST. But I do think a genuinely close friend should be given the information. Not because she is prominent. In fact, her position should have almost nothing to do with your decision except making you more discreet. Prominent women are still entitled to private friendships in which somebody quietly tells them something they may need to know. Tell her privately, preferably in person. Something like: "I want to tell you something slightly awkward because I'd want you to tell me. Someone we know came across his Tinder profile and it appeared to be active. I don't know what that means, and I'm not making any assumptions about your relationship. I just didn't feel comfortable knowing and not telling you." Then stop. Don't ask: "So are you two open?" Don't demand an explanation. Don't watch her face for evidence. Don't tell the rest of the office. Give her the screenshot if she wants it, and let her decide what it means. She may be devastated. She may tell you she already knows. She may laugh and explain something that makes you feel ancient. She may say very little because she needs time to process it. All of those reactions belong to her. What matters is your motive. If you're telling her because the information is juicy and you're dying to know what happens next, stay out of it. If you're telling her quietly because she's your friend and you believe she deserves information directly relevant to her relationship, tell her. Then protect her privacy as carefully as you would want yours protected. Because on Sint Maarten, Tinder may be big. But screenshots travel faster. —Queenie
