Dear Queenie,
I travel occasionally for work, and a friend recently suggested joining me on an upcoming trip. We’ve never travelled together on one of my work trips before, but in principle I don’t have a problem with the idea. On the right trip, it could actually be fun. I could do my work, she could entertain herself during the day, and we could have dinner or do things together when I’m free. The problem is that she has chosen exactly the wrong trip to start. This particular one is going to be hectic. My schedule is packed with meetings and other commitments. Some of my days may run late, and I don’t know how much downtime I’ll have. I also know myself. Even if she tells me: “Don’t worry about me. I’ll do my own thing.” I will worry about her. I’ll feel guilty that she’s sitting somewhere while I’m working. I’ll feel obligated to rush back. I’ll wonder whether we should have dinner. And instead of concentrating entirely on work, I’ll have a little voice in my head reminding me that my friend travelled all this way expecting at least some time with me. So I told her that I didn’t think she should join me on this trip because my workload will be too heavy. I thought I had been clear. Her response was: “Okay, let’s keep in touch and let me know when you’re ready to book.” Queenie, ready to book what? I wasn’t postponing the decision. I was saying this isn’t the trip for us to try this. Now I don’t know whether she misunderstood me or simply decided my no was the beginning of negotiations. I would genuinely consider having her join me on another work trip when I know I’ll have more free time. But how do I explain that without sounding like I’m saying: “I don’t want you there”? —Not This Trip
Dear Not This Trip,
Your friend has turned: “Not this trip.” into: “Circle back when procurement begins.” Impressive. But before assuming she deliberately ignored you, consider that you may have softened your original answer so much that she heard uncertainty. People often do this when they don’t want to disappoint someone. We say: “It’s going to be really busy...” when what we mean is: “I’m going alone.” The first is an explanation. The second is a decision. Your friend may have treated your explanation as a problem that could be solved. Busy? No problem! She’ll entertain herself. Long meetings? Fine! She’ll explore. You’ll barely know she’s there! Except you know that isn’t how you'll experience it. That’s enough. You don’t need to prove that she would actually interfere with your work. You already know that having someone accompany you would create an additional mental obligation you don’t want on this particular trip. So correct the misunderstanding now: “Just to clarify, I don’t think I was clear before. I’m going to do this particular work trip on my own because of the schedule. But I’d definitely be open to you joining me on another one when I know I’ll have more downtime.” That’s not a rejection of her. It’s a rejection of the timing. And then don’t send booking information. Don’t discuss hotels. Don’t tell her which flight you’re considering. Because if someone has already mistaken a closed door for one that’s slightly ajar, there’s no need to send them the floor plan. There may eventually be a perfect first work trip for the two of you. This isn’t it. And sometimes the clearest way to preserve the possibility of travelling happily together later... is not to start with a trip you already know you’ll resent. —Queenie
