Dear Queenie,
I believe in helping people. But I feel like I’ve become a free rental service. It started small. A neighbour borrowing a tool. A family member asking to use my car “just for a quick run.” Someone needing a small amount of money “until next week.” I said yes. Now it has turned into a pattern. Things are borrowed and returned late, or not at all. The car comes back with less gas. Items come back damaged, or I have to ask repeatedly before I see them again. And the worst part? The attitude. If I hesitate or say I need something, I get: “You can’t help me?” “Is just a small thing.” “You getting on like you don’t have.” So now I feel guilty for even thinking about saying no. We live in a community where helping each other is normal. I was raised that way. But this doesn’t feel like help any more. It feels like expectation. Queenie, how do I draw the line without being labelled as stingy or unfriendly? —Not a Lending Library
Dear Not a Lending Library,
You are not dealing with generosity. You are dealing with access. At some point, your willingness to help stopped being appreciated and started being assumed. That is the turning point where kindness becomes a system others rely on, without responsibility. In Caribbean culture, “borrowing” is often framed as community support. But support has a boundary. And right now, yours is unclear. People continue the behavior because it works. Not because they are unaware. So your job is not to explain your feelings. It is to change the pattern. Start simple: “I can’t lend that out right now.” “I need it for myself.” “I’m not able to help this time.” No long explanations. No apologies layered on top. The more you justify, the more room you create for negotiation. Also, accept this part early. Some people will react. They may call you stingy. They may make comments. They may test your boundary again. That does not mean you are wrong. It means they benefited from the previous arrangement. You are allowed to be generous. You are also allowed to stop when generosity turns into inconvenience, stress, or loss. Helping does not mean giving people ongoing access to your time, your money, or your belongings. And a boundary is not unkind. It is simply the point where helping ends and being taken for granted begins.—Queenie
