Dear Queenie,
I have a coworker who has become known around the office for one thing. Her lipstick. Specifically, a very bright orange lipstick that, in my opinion, does not complement her complexion at all. It is so striking that it is the first thing people notice when she walks into a room. Unfortunately, people have also started talking about it behind her back. Some say she looks cartoonish. Others compare her to various TV characters. I don't participate because I genuinely feel bad for her. The strange thing is that I think she knows people are talking. Instead of changing it, she seems to have doubled down. The orange has become brighter and more frequent, almost as though she's daring people to say something. She is otherwise a lovely woman and a competent professional. I can't help thinking that this one cosmetic choice is overshadowing everything else. Part of me wants to gently suggest trying a different shade. The other part thinks it is none of my business. Queenie, is it kinder to say something privately or kinder to leave people alone and let them express themselves? —Lipstick Dilemma
Dear Lipstick Dilemma,
There is an old saying that advice is a gift. Like any gift, it should only be given when there is a reasonable chance it will be welcomed. Your letter suggests something important. This is no longer about lipstick. Your coworker is aware that people are talking. Instead of retreating, she has leaned into it. That tells me the orange lipstick has become more than makeup. It has become a statement. Perhaps a statement of confidence. Perhaps a statement of defiance. Or perhaps simply a declaration that she refuses to let other people dictate how she presents herself. Whatever the reason, it is now tied to her identity. Which means even the gentlest comment is unlikely to be heard as: "Here's another shade you might like." It is more likely to land as: "Everyone has been laughing at you." That is a painful message to deliver. Now, I understand your concern. Professional image matters. Appearance influences first impressions whether we like it or not. But adulthood also includes the freedom to make aesthetic choices that other people may not understand. Some people wear bold glasses. Some have bright blue hair. Some collect bow ties. Your coworker has chosen orange lipstick. Would I say something? Only if she specifically asked for my opinion. Otherwise, I would leave the lipstick alone. The bigger issue here is not one woman's makeup. It is an office culture that has decided a lipstick shade deserves more discussion than the quality of her work. And that says far more about the office than it does about her. One final thought. Confidence sometimes looks like refusing to change because people laugh. Stubbornness can look exactly the same. The only person who knows which one this is... is the woman wearing the lipstick. —Queenie
