Dear Queenie,
My wife has a habit of bringing up small things from the past that are very embarrassing, like the time (long before we were married) when we went out to dinner and it turned out that the place was more expensive than I had expected and I didn’t have enough money with me to pay the bill so she had to pitch in.
Queenie, why does she do it? And how can I get her to stop?—Hurt feelings
Dear Hurt,
This is a form of bullying – a “mean girl” trick that apparently she has not outgrown. She does it to get a rise out of you.
You can talk to her about this, but if I am right about her motives, you may not be able to get her to stop. However, the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore the bullying behaviour. If she cannot get the reaction she wants she may stop – or she may find some other way to get under your skin.
What you should be thinking about is not the specific behaviour, but the reason behind it – why your wife would want to make you feel this way. Counselling for the two of you might help both of you understand the dynamics of your relationship a little better. But if you cannot persuade her to go with you for counselling, go by yourself to help you learn how to deal with her better – that is, if you decide you want to continue dealing with her at all.
